I Forgive You

This may come across as self centered and absorbed. I’m afraid it will come across bitter or… idk. Maybe I don’t even have the right words. Maybe I should write this out a dozen times in private before making a “public” post. But why be cautious anymore? There’s not really anything for me to lose anymore.

I forgive you Rochester, and I forgive myself.

I wasn’t your person, and that’s ok. You were desperately trying to hold onto someone you loved, that wasn’t me, and that’s ok.

You couldn’t handle me or my pain, and that’s ok.

My pain and my happiness was never your responsibility.

How I reacted to being left, wasn’t your fault.

I’m hoping, after speaking with a friend tonight about what they’re going through with someone, that you walking away without a word was because that’s the only way you knew how to take care of yourself.

Does it still hurt? Yes of course. It likely always will. But I can’t expect people to treat me the way I would treat them.

We’re not the same, and that’s ok.

I obviously wasn’t good for you, and that’s ok.

I truly hope that your new person makes you happy.

I’ve done a lot of crying this last week. The most crying I have done in over two years. I’ve been annoyed because I’m crying at the most random shit.

I cried because a friend offered me money so I could do a little fun shopping.

I cried because one baker helped another on the great British baking show.

I cried for hours last night while looking at Doctor Who memes.

And I cried several times today. One being when fairy gay mother spoke about the love of her life. I will call her Chef based off of stories I heard today.

She’s told me many times that Chef was the love of her life. The way she lights up, whenever she talks about Chef. It always fills my heart. It makes me realize that maybe I’ve never had that.

Fairy gay mother was able to experience real love, and most people aren’t so lucky. She’ll tell you that herself. Though I fairly certain you would get “the look” and not one word from her. Which is a shame, she’s a lovely person, but you did kind of break her friends heart and she’s funny about those things.

I get that I wasn’t the love of your life, and that’s ok.

It’s entirely possible you weren’t in fact mine, and that also ok.

No backhand words, no bitterness anymore.

I don’t honestly ever expect an apology from you. I just hope that the decisions you made led to a healthier life. I hope you’re able to see toxic behavior and move away from them. I hope you’re able to stand up for yourself. That you’re not living in emotional pain and fear anymore.

I will likely never see you again, or reconnect, and that is ok. These were silly dreams of a broken hearted girl. I was still putting my romantic fantasies on you. That wasn’t and isn’t fair. You don’t owe me a happily ever after. You aren’t actually Rochester. Maybe I’m just bitter that I wasn’t as strong as Jane and left when everything was so bad. But then again she was dumb and eventually went running back to him.

I hope you’ve read it or watched it by this point, so you can laugh at how much of a stereotype I am. That this is the love story I cling to. All of that was pretty toxic too. Rochester was a gaslighter, and abusive adjacent. Jane was compromising boundaries on a regular for someone she loved. People who truly love you, don’t ask you to do that.

I can at least say that I respected the silence. That I didn’t keep chasing after you. I’ve had a rough go of letting you go. I keep thinking I have, and then I haven’t, and that’s ok too. You’ve been the topic of this blog for a long time. I always tried to tell you writing is how I process and heal.

Maybe I’m fooling myself, but I think I’m finally there.

I’m letting you go, and you will likely never grace this blog again.

But what I kept trying to tell you, still remains true.

Until the end of my days.

And that’s ok too.

PS I’ll raise our pokebaby to be the very best. Like no one ever was.