Self Isolating, Questioning

December through February is the hardest time of the year for me. The holidays hit a lot of people hard and we all have our reasons right?

This time of year always reminds me of loss. It reminds me of things crumbling away under me. Relationships ending, people leaving, people dying. It doesn’t help that I get seasonal depression on top of my regular depression. This year with the pandemic still going, I’ve self isolated even harder.

I’m having a hard time maintaining connections with people. Even people I care deeply about. I managed to respond if I get a message first, but initiating contact has been tough this year. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because I’ve been feeling like I’m in a constantly state of questioning lately of who I am.

I don’t feel connected to any communities anymore.

Even ones I had really wanted to stay a part of. My few opportunities to engage with them are being blocked. By the pandemic, by concerns of family who are more high risk. Me being me, I take those things seriously but also inside I’m frustrated and mourning. How do I know the difference between moving on because I’m growing, or if I’m giving up?

When you’ve been ripped down so many times it’s difficult to find yourself again. As a person, there are core things I absolutely know about myself now. As a member of a community? I had started that journey but then lock down 1, 2, and 3 happened. Physical spaces weren’t safe because of covid. More and more people moved to online and social media. But too many worlds intersect there. It left me in a place that social media was not safe for me emotionally or mentally. I had to make the decision to not be in those spaces for my own safety.

Knowing that and separating myself from it, further separated me from everyone.

I don’t regret that decision, but there’s still grief there.

Stopping my cycles of self harm were more important but it’s still hard to know that by doing that, I’m not seeing the lives and moments of people I care for. To feel like I’m missing out on so much.

Alternatively, I wonder if I just shouldn’t scrub all those versions of me from off the Internet. Pack it up. Accept that I don’t belong in those spaces anymore. But part of me grieves so bad. It feels like my abusers have won if I do that. And I am anything if not stubborn at this point. I tried giving that persona a rebirth, and maybe it failed. Something to explore in therapy someday.

Along those lines, I started looking for a new therapist and I think I found one. I’ll have to wait a bit until they have room in their schedule but as I told them, I’d rather wait for the right therapist. They have experience in all the aspects I need. Mainly trauma recovery.

It’s probably while I’m feeling bigger feels right now too. We did an intro session to make sure we’d be a good fit and even if it wasn’t a start on deep diving, I still have to flash my brain with every trauma I’ve dealt with to give them an idea of what we’re working with and towards. It’s left me a bit emotionally raw.

On top of that I’ve been sick for the last week. (Finally starting to feel better. Luckily not covid, but still a pretty nasty illness that even forced me to take time off work). With layers of a flare up and hormones. Not sleeping. Family issues and boundary problems.

My heart has been heavy.

It’s just weather, and I will not always feel this way. But I’ve been holding it in for a couple of weeks now. I stopped using this, my blog, my writing, my coping mechanisms.

They’re called habits for a reason. Why it’s so hard to break the ones that harm us, and so hard to start the ones that heal us, I’ll never know.

I’m trying though.

Being in the constant state of wanting to simultaneously run away to a remote cabin and be alone forever, but also wanting friends, family, and connections is difficult to balance. What parts of me are not just responses to trauma?

There have been bright spots, but I’m afraid to talk about them. I’m afraid they’re things I just won’t finish again. I’m just, afraid.

My life has not been full of things going right. So now that some thing are, now that I can see the light and feel hope again. I don’t want it to go away. I’m taking the steps to be a happier and healthier me. It’s just hard to wait. It’s hard to feel like it won’t get jinxed somehow.