The last week has been…complicated, emotional, enlightening.
Finding my edges in new ways and sticking myself with my own pointy bits.
I took a disco nap of maybe an hour after being able to talk through a bunch of the emotional things from this week, but also a feeling I have been holding onto with a death grip because even good feelings can be terrifying too. I kept almost saying it anyway but then would immediately panic when it came to the surface.
Now it’s 2:30 in the morning, I’m waiting for my cab to the airport, and the chorus for the song that came on was:
I forgot to love you, love you, love you.
(song is 7 minutes from Dean Lewis btw apparently)
What’s a little more crying?
I don’t want to feel feelings anymore. No one told me how big things feel when you start taking off all the masks. I think part of me always knew?
Before I had thought that in most of my relationships, I did just feel things bigger, but I kept them locked in because I was always afraid of scaring people with how I love. Though as I sit here I’m starting to wonder how many of those people loved me back? Some of them didn’t, which is obvious now.
Or maybe they just forgot to love me.
The Procrastinating Penman 