Nothing new but still

At some point it will sink in that I am alone.

No amount of hoping or benefit of the doubt will change that.

I have my very smol circle of friends, but the majority of my life is going to be alone.

Dealing with medical issues.

Anything to do with moving.

Finances.

Things to try and get in a better space like cleaning out my storage.

Having a healthy environment.

Even the people in my family that are there for me more and help more than the rest, still don’t really see me, or hear me, or consider me. I always made myself forget or excused it before. But nowadays it’s harder and harder to not notice.

How often people don’t notice that I’m not actually a part of the conversation, or never noticed that I haven’t finished a single sentence and have only said “yeah” or “uh huh” for an hour.

How often people talk over me.

How often what I do get out loud is immediately discounted and refuted.

How often they just outright ignore me when I say I need something.

How often I have to repeat myself.

How often I’m treated like an asshole for having the audacity to no longer let them ignore me and making a firmer boundary.

While the weekend so far has not been terrible. It also has not been what I said I needed and wanted to happen. Which was supposed to be the point.

Saturday was supposed to go as follows: I get coffee for everyone from Dutch Bros as a treat, storage unit for a few hours, break to pick up cheese, see some baby goats for a second, have lunch, and then back to the storage unit. After calling it for the day, showers, dinner, rom com or movie and at home self care (I bought a bunch of face masks and whatnot). Get a decent amount of sleep.

How Saturday actually went:

No one outside my dad and I? Woke up before 10am. Finally get them to decide on an alternative plan after I give 3-4 of them. Takes too long to get out the door.

So even by the time we get me gas and get coffee for everyone, we can no long leave on time for the next stop, because now the storage unit has to wait. Since the cheese can only be picked up between 12-4, I wanted to be there by 12. Got there at 1:30.

Did the wine and cheese pairing with my cousin, but stayed longer than I wanted and I had to pull her away from asking a bunch of questions about the goats to one of the owners. Which would be fine if I hadn’t made it clear earlier that I wanted to have the schedule be different.

Get lunch. Which we sat down for instead of picking up to take back.

Then through out the whole day there’s been more and more conversations that are delaying doing the things needing done and I get treated as though people were waiting on me.

We don’t get to my storage unit until after 4pm.

Grant it, a fair amount of sorting and reorganizing did occur in the 3 hrs there. More instances where I wasn’t being listened to or others were deciding they had a better way of doing things with my stuff. I kept politely course correcting.

Finally head back and the rest of the night is similar. It’s now 12:48 and I have just finally gotten everyone to clear the living room, which I’m sleeping in, because my cousin has a bit of a cough left and I gave her my room out of concern (sleeping on basically the living room floor and for someone who would worry about their cough keeping me up if we shared the bed, so I offered up my whole room).

I have dealt with people telling me they know better than me about my dogs. I have had people tell me they know better than me about my own body. I have had people try to peer pressure me into drinking after I made it clear several times that they waited too long to remind me we were going to do a shot. I have had to deal with being called several names for holding my boundaries while being peer pressured. But you know it’s all “joking”.

I was then ignored when I said I needed them to go somewhere else to continue the conversations because I needed sleep. And if I didn’t get it soon I was not going to be a pleasant person the next day.

They ignored me for 10mins. I again said, hey I love you but I need to sleep. And was then told sure but hang on a minute as they finished that part of the conversation, then they moved to just the hallway to continue to have a loud conversation.

it-it- the f – it -flam – flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths… Heathing…

I am now so tired, and my body is so worn out, I want to throw up.

The plan I wanted to have for tomorrow was already altered earlier. I’m tired of fighting.

No one, truly, really, appreciates how often I don’t become what I am constantly accused of being. That I am constantly choosing to rise above how I’m being treated. That I am constantly filtering and picking my words carefully.

How often I choose peace.

I also notice how things that I have said I wish happened, suddenly do when someone knows they’re not doing the things I said I needed that day. It feels like a distraction but I also know that they’re partially genuine.

Of course someone appreciates that I did a thing that focused on what they wanted.

Of course we do things to redirect my upset when things I had asked for were ignored, because look things still got done. Look at what all got done in the 1/4 of amount of time I was told I was going to get help with the thing I really needed help with.

I’m so tired of how much I am not seen, heard, chosen, and appreciated.

I’m so tired of people only caring about me on the surface level.

I’m tired of my mental, emotional, and physical health all being things that no one deeply cares about or even tries to prioritize a mere handful of times.

I feel like when it does, its because in that moment it still benefits them more somehow.

Some days it’s hard to fight that feeling that more than a few people would care if I just disappeared. Like they’d be mildly annoyed that I was no longer around to do things for them or make them feel a certain way. But ultimately I am replaceable.

Though I also know once I’m actually gone, and it sinks in that I’m gone, then they suddenly want me back.

They realize how much I did and how much I cared, and they want the next hit.

But I’m gone.

Like all this bullshit with my family made me sit in how alone I am. That in a family full of people with various issues, I’m still somehow the odd man out that gets to be the target.

This is why found family is important. Because I do know that there’s a few who truly see me. Who would fight for me. Who will actually ask me how I want my grilled cheese cut and actually do it the way I ask. How I have a few that will always check on me if I haven’t checked on them lately.

And I figured out something else that is important to me with a romantic partner. Something Rochester did today without knowing I was figuring this out.

I want to be the person my partner wants to reach for to tell me about their day. Maybe I’m not always the first person to hear about it, but then other times I am the first person they think of and want to tell first.

Going to try and get my body to stop freaking out so I can get a few broken and terribly painful hours of sleep.