Language and definitions are important to me.
I find I often struggle when society or individuals have a wide range of definitions of words/concepts that have a set definition and concept. That is the actual point of the definitions, to have a universal understanding of what that thing means.
One of the many confusing things for me is the ability people have to alter a definition in order to better suit themselves. Then they’ll often enforce that personal view on others, not only with the assumption that someone is using that word in the same way, but that that person will just automatically know there’s a personal definition being applied when that person uses the word.
Meanwhile, for the most part, I am stuck with the literal definition and understanding of the word. Which means I won’t pick up that they are not meaning the word the way that it’s supposed to be used, and they are not picking up on the fact that I am using the word with the literal definition.
I find that one of the words/concepts that I am constantly having issues with others around this is the concept of fairness/equity vs equality.
My ask of anyone really, but partners especially when in a ethical non-monogamous/poly structure, is to be treated fairly. I am always very clear to say, I do not expect equality but I do expect fairness.
This will always somehow devolve back into the other person being adamant that equality is not a reasonable ask or arguing that equality is not something that can happen.
And then I’m confused.
Why are we back to talking about equality and 1:1?
That was not my stated need.
I said I’m needing things to be fair.
Not equal.
I very clearly communicated that there was not nor would there ever be an expectation for equality.
I also can’t provide that to anyone, regardless of if I’m involved with multiple partners or not.
If one were to use the mighty search engines you may find some definitions similar to the ones below:
Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal. Equality means treating everyone exactly the same.
https://empoweringeducation.org/blog/fair-vs-equal/
If fairness is the goal, equality and equity are two processes through which we can achieve it. Equality simply means everyone is treated the same exact way, regardless of need or any other individual difference. Equity, on the other hand, means everyone is provided with what they need to succeed.
https://risetowin.org/what-we-do/educate/resource-module/equality-vs-equity/index.html
I ask the interwebs, why then, is the ability to be fair to someone seem to be such a very large and difficult task?
There may be some overlap in interests and asks if you happen to stick to dating people who are into similar things and communities. That’s unavoidable unless you just don’t do that. But even asking for some of the same things or similar things, is not in fact asking for dynamics to be completely equal.
It’s stating a personal need.
An example where this fits and differs.
Scenario 1:
I often have metamours that are also gamers/geeks/nerds. We may both have a need to have game nights/dates with our partner.
Fairness: Making time and effort to have those nights/dates with both of us is what I would consider fair. We both stated a need for time to game with our partner. That may mean my partner and I have virtual game nights. Maybe 2 a month, and then if we’re able to physically see each other we try to make an effort to game in person. Perhaps not every date, but some of them.
On the other hand, my partner and metamour get to have more in person ones because they live together, and let’s say they end up having 10-12 nights of gaming together. They’ll also likely have more opportunities to have game nights with friends or go to local gaming events.
We’ll both have the opportunity to choose and play the games that we prefer to play together based on our likes and needs for each of those times.
Equal: That would require my partner to have the exact same amount of gaming dates with us in the exact same environment and way.
If my metamour gets 12 dates, then I get 12 dates. If 3 of those were group activities, then I get 3 group activities. If they go to a gaming tournament, then my partner has to take me to one.
We all have to play the exact same games too. Even if I don’t like FPS and my metamour doesn’t like Yu-go-oh!, too bad, got to keep it equal.
What would feel fair to me?
Despite there being a huge difference in 2 virtual game nights and 10-12 in person game nights, I would still feel and see an effort to meet my need. Circumstances and long distance makes it more challenging, and I understand that. Make a few of those group gaming nights possible for me to be there and at the very least asking me if I would like to join. That would all feel fair to me.
What would feel unfair?
Where things start to feel unfair is if I have been asking for game nights and I’m told I can’t have them because my metamour needs them. Or I constantly hear about my metamour having those game nights but there was little to no effort to also make time to game with me.
If I was told that because my metamour has a special game like, oh idk, Zelda, that means my partner could never play Zelda with me too because it had to stay special for my metamour ( especially if that then didn’t go the other way around of my partner not playing a specific game with my metamour that was special to me).
If for group gaming nights, they were never made on nights that I could be included or at the very least receive an invite that it was happening if I could make it. Even worse is if I was to never receive an invite no matter how many times those occasions occur.
Scenario 2:
The amount of time and dates that I have with my partner vs the amount of time and dates my partner has with my metamour.
Fairness: My metamour and I both have a certain amount of scheduled and consistent time/dates with our partner. We both also have the option to plan trips and dates further in advance or ask for impromptu times. Could take any form; in person, virtual, phone calls, a block of time for texting, etc. Any need that we may have that could potentially affect the other should be stated clearly and upfront. Like if one of us has a need for our partner to put away their phone during dates (that shouldn’t be abused though).
Equal: My metamour and I should get the exact same amount of time with our partner (not actually possible if their nesting together). We get the same amount of consistent dates, the same amount of impromptu dates, vacations, and time to talk about our relationship. If they get a weekend to Napa, I get a weekend to Napa. If they get a 10 day cruise, I get a 10 cruise. If they have a set weekly date night, I get a set weekly date night, etc , etc, etc.
What would feel fair to me?
Having consistent communication, especially when being long distance. If a live in partner can have a solid weekly date night, plus extra dates whenever they occur, I think it’s fair to have at least two virtual date nights, and a best attempt to have at least one physical date night a month. That may not always work out, so supplement with more time on the phone or something.
At least one decent length vacation together per year, a few extended weekend trips, and the ability to plan something more spontaneously. One or two important events.
What would feel unfair to me?
Not having some sort of regular time to look forward too. Not planning some dates ahead of time so there’s things to actively look forward to and having everything being last minute. Time spent together revolving completely around the other relationship(s) and their needs. Not getting at least a percentage of the extended weekends, trips, and/or vacations. Constantly being reminded why the other relationship(s) are getting more attention just because they are closer.
Really my version of fairness, would even be called a fraction of what I should expect or ask for. I can hear the voices of several of my friends telling me I’m asking for too little already.
This is one of many reasons why it shouldn’t actually be hard to date me. I am understanding to a fault. I have been given so little from too many people for too long of my life. All that toxicity has made it easy to accept the bare minimum. But also, I don’t expect all of someone’s time, or even the majority of it. I am striving for balance and would like others in my life to also be able to achieve it.
Fairness vs Equality is really the same thing as Equity vs Equality. I know in my relationships, no matter what they are, they will not always be equal. From my end they especially won’t be when I’m having bad health days. Though in that example, I very rarely have people that take care of me anyway.
The sadness spiral has shown up and derailed the thoughts.
It makes me sad that this seems to be so hard for people to understand or to want to give to me. Too many times I end up in fights or disagreements, because I’m asking for a fraction of what they are willing to do for someone else. When that’s not actually explained clearly it makes it even worse for me.
I want to understand.
I’m not just looking to shame someone or push them into doing something they don’t want. That will never be who I am.
I do expect that if I am stating a need, if someone can’t meet that need they should be able to tell me that clearly. These are also needs I state at the beginning of a romantic relationship, so it should not be a shock. If they know my need and can’t meet it, they should be providing a compromise. It shouldn’t solely be on me so then I can just continually get rejected and make my needs smaller and smaller until they’re satisfied with what the ask is.
That isn’t fair.
A relationship with me comes with the disclaimer that my responsibility is to state my needs, their responsibility is to tell me if they can meet that need, and then we’ll go from there.
Trying to get all this out has just made me even more exhausted again. Teapot says I’m back to managing too much. They’re right of course.
What really happens if I just decide to not do all the things I do? Not sure if I would even be me if I stopped, but maybe it’s worth science.
The Procrastinating Penman 