A Prime Example

If one were to need a picture that can mostly describe my family dynamic and where it is that I reside within it, tonight was a key example.

For context: my family of origin has two cube organizers in the kitchen. One of them is setup like a “bar” and has Tupperware and containers in the top half of the cubes, and other drinks in the lower half. The second organizer is for snacks. So my brother, mom, and dad all have a personal cube for their snacks. There’s one for cookbooks, one for kitchen towels, one for coffee/k cups, one for chips, and the last one is more healthy snacks (nuts, granola, etc).

I also can’t get them to regularly clear out old food, and have discussions with them about food waste, and not buying more than we need etc. I have asked them to help me keep healthier things in the house because the processed food makes me sick because of my health issues. I have asked for spaces in the fridge etc, and have been told no problem but they quickly get taken over by other things. I have asked my mom specifically to help keep the fridge, pantry, and cubes checked and cleaned.

I moved back in 2020, when Covid first started the shelter in place and my mom had a major surgery coming up. Little did I know that would end up being several surgeries. So I had moved back in for multiple reasons. I was always told a cube would get cleared for me.

Spoiler; it never did.

Fast forward to a week ago. My mom is trying to figure out who her enemy should be in the house for this next cycle of behaviors. She’s testing the waters with things to instigate us. She specifically yelled at my brother last week for something, which he handled very well, and my mom didn’t realize my brothers girlfriend was in the living room until the mask had been taken off and real behavior was shown.

This means my mom is trying to recreate the illusion.

Yesterday and today, my mom has been messing around in the kitchen right around the time I need to be in there for something. I have been having a bad few months, so I was mainly just removing myself from the possibility of conflict. I’d go out to the garage or sit down on the couch to watch something until she left.

Today, before dinner, my mom reveals to my brothers girlfriend that she cleaned out her snack cube, so that the my brother and his girlfriend could have extra space. She’ll keep a couple things in there still, but mainly it was for them to use now.

Ok. Sure.

I get that there are two of them living in one room and all that. I get that they really don’t have their own space. I’m honestly not mad about the cube.

It’s what the cube represents.

There’s something that I keep getting told I will get. That room will be made for me. That I’m wanted and important, and that I should have a space of my own too.

I’m promised this thing, over and over again. Because they don’t want me to forget, or think that maybe they forgot, and they’re thinking about me obviously. They have ways that they’ll show me I’m loved and cared for. Just wait a little longer this thing came up yesterday, and today has been really rough too. And you know there’s a bunch of other stuff on deck that’s also stressing them out. So as soon as they can they’ll do that thing for me.

Days.

Weeks.

Months.

Years.

And then that thing is done for and given to someone else. There is no recognition or understanding that that thing was promised to me. There’s no consideration over my feelings or what my experience of that being given away without even a conversation, might be.

Because that’s what they really do for people they love and care about. They do things to make them feel important and that their comfort matters. They do things that anticipate where a need might be and help make sure it’s taken care of.

I’m not even worth remembering.

Keep that in mind. Keep in mind that in a lifetime of being told I’m worthless and small. That someone will always be more important than me. That my only good qualities is what I can do for others and I don’t even do all those things right.

Remember, that I never let that break me. I never let it tell me that it was ok to turn around and make others feel small and worthless and like they had to earn my love and kindness. That other were lower than me, That I have chosen to stay as soft and vulnerable as I can after a lifetime of mistreatment by more than my family. That I decided to say no more. That I continue to learn and grow and strive to be a more healed version of myself, no matter how many times someone tells me there’s someone more important. No matter how many times a friend or my family or lover forgets me.

I choose kindness.

Wibbly, Wobbly

Was recently reminded from fairy gay mother that time is a thing, and I seem to keep losing track of it one way or another.

Things have been hard.

I have been feeling the pulls of despair and the stepping closer to another mental/emotional break.

There’s a lot of pressure to accomplish things I do not have the means or privilege to accomplish, and can’t just do the things anyway like others in similar or worse positions than I am in.

Teapot and I have been discussing my frustration in my inability to just do the things like I did however long ago it was before the first mental breakdown when everything went to shit. I understand that operating at that level was never actually healthy or sustainable for me. It’s hard to deal with when I feel like I really need to tap into those abilities, but I know the physical and emotional cost would be too high.

I took some steps over the weekend. Not as big of steps as I would like, but took them all the same. I managed to get all of the laundry that has been sitting in baskets for months, folded. I still need to find hangers for those things, and a few more things to put away in drawers. That’s more complicated since the room is not clean enough to just put things away, so I have to move things in and out of that space. I have a bunch of cubes to go through and try to organize into the new storage system, put in storage, donate, or just throw away. I get overwhelmed with the amount of steps to do a thing. Even with brain dumps.

I tried to not get upset with myself or talk down to myself when I needed breaks. I took whatever breaks, whenever, no matter what they were for. Sometimes my back started to ache, so I watched tv for a couple of hours. Sometimes I got really overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings about everything that has been happening, so I’d just sit in the garage in the cold and try to connect to my body.

Honestly, reader, I spent most of the weekend self medicating.

Which means I didn’t get my room completely cleaned. And I didn’t get caught up on the coding class. I didn’t even work on it at all.

I still haven’t played a video game or read a book for my enjoyment.

Most times I just want to spend some more time crying.

Ebbf has been checking on me fairly regularly. Providing support where he can. I’ve also been hearing about his new adventures and some struggles. He was obviously around for V1 with Rochester, and the aftermath. At least he’s well versed on why the progression of V2 is affecting me even worse. Now is extra worse since I’m also learning to feel all those feelings.

Which makes me think, there’s a lot of different emotions that people ascribe to being the worst feeling to experience. Grief and loss of hope are tied at the worst for me. Anger after that, but that’s because I have a history with how anger has been used and abused.

I’ve been sitting in a lot of grief. Most of my life. Some days more than others. Lately it’s been more again. And by lately, I mean a year in reality, but the last few months have been more concentrated.

Since this last Friday, I think I’m starting to lose hope. I spend a lot of time and energy on something/someone who finds it really easy to step away. I keep thinking we’re a team on trying to fix this, but that’s seeming less true.

Ebbf has always said that silence is an answer.

The bigger problem with silence, when that’s the main thing you’re getting from someone for days/weeks at a time, is it allows for you to create your own narrative. And sometimes that creation of a narrative is coming from a place of survival. Especially when silence has never just been silence in your life, and none of the things you’ve asked for to help with in those moments were provided, it’s easier to slip into places you don’t want to be.

It’s been difficult to be kind to myself as all the big feelings and trauma wounds have been coming up. I’ve discovered a few things about what has and is bothering me and why. Other things just hurt and I haven’t figured them out yet. Maybe I never will.

Need to do some therapy homework still. Going to be another list where most things aren’t going to be possible. Basically on what does healthy look like to me now, with all my new information about my physical and mental health. Which means, ultimately, more of doing extra work and expending more energy than I have to try and accomplish what I can. To still hear people tell me from the sidelines how they “wish they could help” and “you’re so strong”.

In other news, I was depressed enough this weekend I made a poor financial decision. This is exactly why I know I need to not be rushed on coming to terms and accepting that my relationship is dissolving in front of me and Rochester made his decision a long time ago. Because I tried to rush myself this weekend to a place of acceptance as the silence has continued, and instead I found myself looking at things I didn’t really need, but that I did really want. And the only way it would ever happen is if I did it for myself.

Like most things.

I’m not returning it. I’ll deal with the consequences of my actions.

Doesn’t actually make a difference in anything anyways. And it’s pretty. And made me feel better for a second.

I’ll be taking a harder look at my budget and removing my ease at ordering things in another week when I can settle the room.

Another year, another day

February stays the same.

More pain, more heartache, more lessons about how love should and shouldn’t feel.

I did my photoshoot. Which was cold and challenging, and who knows if I ever had more than one expression. Not sure when I get the images back.

I have my very dark roses that I bought myself. They were delivered on the 7th. I left them as long as I could, so as I trim them every few days, maybe they’d last just a little longer. I’m going to try a couple different ways of drying them eventually. As Miley says, I can buy myself flowers. Generally have to. I think I’ve mostly received them as apologies. Got them twice for my birthday, but the second time I had to ask and then got attitude for it.

Still haven’t managed the strawberries. We’ll see how depressed I am tomorrow. Ironic that I have therapy literally on Valentine’s Day this year.

I’ve been reading Bell Hooks, “All About Love”. When my heart can handle it. She reminds that my life is mostly grief, but there’s some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has gone through these things. That has been used for my love more often than being loved.

I realized I do tend to model the way I would like to be loved. Not always. A big part of it is just how I do love, but if I’m really honest with myself, I do wish to be on the receiving end of things as well, more often than most partners have provided or even care to do.

At first I wanted to take myself out to see Amelie tomorrow night. There’s special showings of it in theaters. I never had the chance to see it in theaters and it is one of my favorite movies. One of those ones that reminds me to hope. But there’s nothing near me and I don’t have the ability to drive myself farther.

I had thought about just having a solo movie night with some of my favorites then. But I’m less inclined right now to want to feel any of those things.

I had thought about making a really nice, and kinda fancy meal at home to share with the my brother and his girlfriend. But I don’t have the energy to do that anymore either, and they were never sure if they were going to do something or not.

Everything feels too heavy.

I still did some valentines gifts this year. Because I had felt like it at the time. Because part of me is always going to be and want to be romantic, no matter how anything is actually turning out.

Monday while driving and generally in times of waiting, I spent a good chunk of it thinking about older conversations with teapot. Things haven’t been great in the relationship realm. Communication issues, triggers getting drop kicked again, mixed messages in general.

Teapot had asked me long ago, both before I started dating again and when it first started, what made me feel loved. The memory of it had me going back through the journal I have where I had been writing those things down. The lists of what makes me feel loved, what I needed and wanted in a relationship, and boundaries around all of that.

There’s entries in there too that are scattered moments from over the relationship, but especially the last year. Things that felt too private to add here.

A lot of them I couldn’t actually manage to read through. I’d catch a sentence or two, then start to tear up.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be an emotional masochist and actually read through the things. Therapy already won’t be an easy session. Because again, maybe ironically, tomorrow is working on a difficult subject around relationships general, but also the current one specifically.

I’ve been working on a letter too. Not a love letter. And maybe another one that gets added to the pile of ones I never actually send. Though I don’t get them often anymore, and I don’t send them often now either. One of the ways I’m trying to teach myself to match energy.

So maybe tomorrow I will just give myself to wallow. After work, I will just crawl into bed, and stay there. Because I’ve been fighting so hard for things…

At a friend’s bday over the weekend, I forget what the exact conversation was about. I remember, vaguely, a comment being made about something I did for myself. My unfiltered response was something along the lines of I had to be the one to take care of and save myself. Because even white knights don’t ever want to try to save me.

Ebbf has at least, once again provided sentiments that he wishes he could buy me out of my situation at home, and has vowed my freedom should he ever receive a windfall.

Not all love is romantic love.

Time to leak out some feelings and hopefully sleep without cpstd nightmares, likely asking for too much.

They say…

If they wanted to they would.

But you have to show someone how to love you.

You have to love yourself before anyone else will.

But others will love the parts of us that we don’t.

You have to know your own worth.

But someone who truly values you doesn’t need to be told.

Love is patient.

But don’t keep waiting for them to love you, move on.

Words are important.

But their actions have to line up.

Love is unconditional.

But your presence is conditional.

Love isn’t supposed to be hard.

But relationships are constant work.

Inconsistency is a very hard thing for me. In words, in people, and in life in general.

The world is full of mixed messages, especially in every single piece of advice or ‘wisdom’ that’s hurled through various forms of communication and media.

Plenty of fish in the sea and soul mates and twin flames and infinite love.

These things are somehow supposed to be universal and not a one size fits all.

Because no one knows what the fuck they are actually doing, but it’s better to make shit up than to just admit where you are I guess.

I’m exhausted by all of it.

I started re-reading my journal over the new moon in Capricorn. It’s not even halfway filled. I started it when burning bowl went digital so I could look back on my lists as needed for the things I wanted in the coming years.

I wrote down my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams. I wrote down lists of things I wanted and needed in a relationship before I was back in one. I wrote actual journal entries when I only had that available and needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

A few months ago I wrote a list of things that I would need in an ideal world to recover from this soul aching level of burn out that I can’t seem to escape.

In someways the whole thing feels like fiction. I would say a fairytale but I’ve been living the first 60-80% of a fairytale most of my life. The hardships, the lessons, and just keep going attitude with the smallest threads of hope keeping me warm.

It makes me sad. Looking at all the things I thought I could accomplish each year. The things I haven’t managed. It makes me sad to see how much I still compromise and just stop asking for. How often I don’t get the rest I desperately need and deserve.

I had a stray thought today. That I romanticize so many small things, because too few people have ever loved me out loud.

February is edging closer, and I feel the emotional scars itching and aching.

I’ve already started figuring out the things to do for myself, to remind myself that not all love is romantic love. To treat myself the way that I want and need to be treated even if it would be really nice for someone else to do it for a while.

I have a photo shoot scheduled with one of my favorite photographers for a confidence boost and to remind myself I’m a beautiful badass to start off the month.

I’m going to make sure to get myself chocolate strawberries this year.

I’m going to buy myself flowers as often as I want them and not feel guilty for a single one.

February will also be the month that teapot and I refocus our sessions. This week is the last one for the foreseeable future that we’re going to focus on the polystruggles. There was one last subject I wanted help on before I told her I needed a break from giving that so much focus.

She gave some thoughts on how to work on reclaiming the relationship in our last session. We spent a lot of time talking and figuring out my boundaries, needs, and wants. I’ve communicated as much as I can about all of those things, and tried to meet people where they are. But that’s hard to do when they keep changing it.

I tried and I’m tired.

Maybe I’ll finish writing one of my books. Live vicariously through my characters. That’s what most of them are anyways. Fractions of self inserts. Things I thought would be nice to experience in some way.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t demisexual.

Don’t mind me. Just in a spiral of self pity.

Feeling terribly lonely.

At the very least I’ll go start to read a romance book tonight. I’m sure that won’t make me feel worse at all.

Labels, lamentations, and ENM

I have a very complicated history and relationship with labels.

Started in childhood, chugging along strongly through adulthood.

I need labels because they help me understand the baseline expectations. I say base line, because like with many other things, people change their definition of a word/label, so conversations should still occur. Though I’ve noticed people like to skip that step and just assume everyone uses the label in the same way they do.

I digress.

I struggle with labels because they feel confining. Though often there isn’t a right word because people and situations are complicated and none of them are the same even when using the same labels.

There’s much more I can say on that, but I lack the focus. I feel that might be apparent.

I am going to briefly mention my metamour and because I don’t know how I feel about that label at the moment, I did settle on a nom de blog. Sticking with Jane Eyre, we’ll use Blanche.

Saying that things have been difficult there would be an understatement. More recently (in the last few months) it has become even more emotionally taxing. At first I was hoping there would be maybe some healing or at least understanding. Then I was hoping that we could find the common ground of both caring for Rochester and wishing to make his life less difficult.

Now, I suspect my trauma has been correct. But not much I can do about it.

Blanche and I have been exchanging messages on a chat/social media app. Mostly has not been going well. I have three people from my circle that I have been asking for some help in proofreading, reality checks, and overall support.

Teapot has also been included on most of the exchange, as it has been triggering my trauma and anxiety pretty hard.

I’ve actually been making an attempt far past where my circle and Teapot told me to go, and are still encouraging me to put it down.

After a clarification with Rochester, and depending on if/what Blanche messages next will likely determine things.

Definitely gives too many chances.

Anyway, I had suggested that the vee (her, Rochester, and I) should see a relationship coach to work through some of the communication issues and values misalignment.

Naturally that blew up in my face and reinforced some beliefs. Then Blanche seemed to consider going just the two of us to start. I sent her the info for the coach I had been asking questions of and had setup an agreeable contract.

Blanche gets …concerned, that the relationship coach currently identifies as a relationship anarchist. So Blanche then starts to question me on my identity and labels (noting for future me, remember that Teapot was not thrilled about this interaction and change of focus on my labels/identity).

At the time the question happened, I didn’t have the space or ability. In a day or two I responded as best I could. Because identity is complicated and nuanced and I have had to deal with my identity constantly shifting for the last 5 years as I went through break ups, a divorce, losing my job, the pandemic, and all my new labeled diagnosis.

I wrote an essay basically, but no one who actually knows me would be surprised by this.

I just felt like putting out into the world, my current view on who I try to be when it comes to ethical non monogamy, my values, and what I look for in my connections.

Would also like to note to future self, it has now been 6 days without an acknowledgment or reply. Let’s see if Blanche breaks the 12 day record.

Onto the essay! That I didn’t really proof read or edit. Good luck!

What does ENM mean to me?

Over simplified summary:

For me ENM is about autonomy, informed consent, and working towards a place of co-existence and fairness.

Full answer:

I’ll preface with saying that I have a complicated relationship with labels, especially in the last 5-10 years as I’ve been working through different things. Which makes this not an easy thing to answer and why I needed some more time to work through some thoughts.

I also find that while they can be useful in certain instances, they are not in others. Everyone has their own version of what something means which can lead to misunderstandings or expectations that aren’t communicated properly that then result in unnecessary conflict. Some things are just difficult to label in general.

I have experienced and been involved in several different relationship configurations. In general, I would probably more closely identify as ambiamorous. Partially due to identifying somewhere on the demi scale both sexually and romantically. My first and most of my experiences with relationships have been/are a form of poly or ENM. I have been in periods of monogamy, or full on monogamous relationships. The full mono relationships did not end up being healthy for me for various reasons. ENM/poly have been more positive, though not all. Since connections tend to be sparse for me, I appreciate and need the freedom of exploring those if/when they should occur is what it comes down to, and I want my partner(s) to be afforded the same.

There are many things about the polyamorous community that I don’t agree with, and do not align with my personal morals at this point in my life and healing. I’ll say poly as short hand when needed in certain situations, but I don’t personally identify that way anymore. Sometimes it just takes too long to get into nuances at a social gathering. I don’t demonize anyone’s preferences in poly/ENM styles. I do expect people to be up front about their relationship structure, so I can ask more questions and then make the best decisions for myself.

I have started reading about relationship anarchy, and other ways ethical non monogamy is practiced, but I don’t identify as a relationship anarchist. There’s things within that identity that also do not align for me at this point or ignores circumstances. I believe it’s important to continue to educate myself and hear different perspectives or ways of doing things. I have found it a very rare thing for anyone in this community to have stuck to a single style the entire time.

Overall, when it comes to being ethically non monogamous I try to stick to certain values and morales more than anything else.

I don’t get involved with don’t ask/don’t tell relationships. If that works for someone, that’s fine, but personally I think it can lead to unnecessary conflict and hardships, and would rather avoid it.

Whenever possible I attempt to work towards “kitchen table poly” or “garden party poly”. I still believe using labels like that need to have actual conversations of what that means to everyone and not make assumptions that everyone is meaning the same thing.

I believe in autonomy and informed consent. I have preferences with partners, and I have boundaries. I believe “rules” can become very toxic, very quickly. I have experienced that in more than one relationship and have seen it destroy people I care about in others. I don’t believe in restricting the interactions and relationships of others, and I don’t believe people should try to enforce that on me.

I believe everyone is a human being and should be treated with common decency. That attempting to be kind and understanding and working on compromises can result in better connections and overall experiences. Consideration and care towards everyone involved is important to me.

I also think everyone involved should be aware of what power imbalances/privileges are in their different configurations and do their best to not weaponize those things. Paraphrasing a friend, “Hierarchy is endemic to most relationships, but any ethical look at any sort of hierarchy means being willing to investigate your preferences and being honest with yourself, your partners, and other members of the polycule. Not interrogating your own preferences could end up enforcing extremely unfair situations on people, or failing to manage some imbalance in desire between you and them”.

Again, people need to be people. I understand that nothing will ever truly be equal. No matter what anything looks like. Even in cases of if everyone was just “solo poly”, true equality is pretty impossible. I think it’s important for everyone to strive for fairness and negotiate what that means. Different relationships have different connections and different needs.

Related to that, double standards should be minimized as much as possible, though in my opinion, in an ideal world, shouldn’t exist. An example: if someone expects that when they are on a date with a partner, phones should be put away and texting other partners should not be happening. Then they should be affording the same courtesy/respect in the other direction. Which someone only knows about when it is talked about. Because not everyone has the same expectations or needs something like that.

I hope it’s a universal understanding that emergencies are going to happen, people are going to be going through different things in their life at different times or some times at the same time, some will be more extroverted/introverted, etc. That should all be taken into consideration on a regular basis. We’re all going to need different levels of support at different times.

If there is a reason that something in particular is special and someone would like it to remain that way, that’s understandable, and once again, should be a conversation and allow informed consent. I don’t believe anything is an actual inherent right to anyone or should be a default practice. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people wanting the same things and for multiple people to be able to experience it too. I do have issues if someone tries to make it an explicit rule that one person always gets to experience something first. That’s leaning towards toxic again. Or one person has to be able to do everything the other person does, but then tries to restrict it in the opposite direction. I believe it is completely reasonable for open poly/ENM people to share or trade off on events, holidays, etc. One of my previous polycules has a system that seems very fair and healthy in that regards.

When a relationship configuration changes (ie new partners, fwb becoming romantic, etc) or evolves in one way or another, there should be discussions instead of assumptions of preferences and values. Up front break downs of the dynamic(s) for someone new. Discussions in general of capability, expectations, needs, and interactions preferred with other polycule members.

I don’t believe in viewing or treating anyone as less than anyone else. I question anyone who says they’re ENM/poly, and have that as part of their dynamics. I have empathy and understanding for insecurities, I have them too. They shouldn’t be used to actively harm others or restrict relationships. That starts to go towards the toxic monogamy mindset for me.

I will afford as much respect and kindness as I am also receiving. I don’t think anyone should be forced to have connections with other members of the polycule, but in general should be open to seeing what that person is about and giving interactions a chance. I try to default to the thinking that if I like my partner, and my partner likes this other person, there’s probably going to be good things about them that I will like too.

Ultimately, I don’t believe that anyone has the right to make decisions for others. That everyone is responsible for their own boundaries and expressing their needs or wants. No relationship, no matter how anyone identifies, is going to look exactly like another relationship even when using the same labels. Because people and circumstances are different, and that should be respected.

Teapot On Trauma

Lately I’m having to remember a conversation Teapot and I had a while back.

It is clear I have varied and complex trauma. I’m probably just stacks of trauma wrapped in a trench coat.

Since a significant portion of my trauma is based in emotional abuse (gaslighting, darvo, manipulation, etc) and also trauma based around undiagnosed AuDHD. When I start to have a bad feeling, I have the bad habit of gaslighting myself. Sometimes it’s in the form of saying, “hey that’s probably just trauma talking and this thing isn’t real”.

I’ve noticed that other people also say that to me and reinforce the idea that my past trauma is making me see people for being worse than they are or marking intentions as being something they’re not.

Sometimes, people are actually not great people. Or have bad intentions. Just because I can see it, and someone else can’t, doesn’t mean I’m the one who is always seeing something not there. Sometimes it’s someone not wanting to see something that is there.

I got so in my head about this concept, I did a check in with Teapot. A paraphrased Teapot response:

Sometimes when our trauma sees things that are similar to something that harmed us in the past, it gives us a warning. Sometimes, that warning is just a warning. Making sure you’re paying attention to a potential threat.

Other times, the trauma is right and you are experiencing another trauma that is mirroring something your brain recognizes.

Acknowledge what your trauma is telling you. Keep an eye on what’s going on. See what develops.

Teapot (ish)

There have been more things in the last couple weeks that are very close to previous traumas. There are patterns of behavior that I recognize from multiple instances. I also experienced again, an opinion that my trauma makes me pessimistic and that I will over analyze people in a negative light.

And if that was completely true, I would never give anyone a chance. Ever.

Fairy Gay mother is of the opinion I still give too many chances. She is correct, of course.

And right now I’m struggling with the fact that people are so dismissive of what my trauma is saying. That trauma is an expert at this point on what it looks like when someone is being deceitful. Can it always pinpoint what kind of deceit? No. But it knows something is wrong and not on the up and up.

Constantly being told I’m negative and pessimistic makes me want to stop trying. It’s not paying attention to the whole being I am. If I was only negative and pessimistic and wanted to only believe the worst in people, man I would get hurt a lot less.

But that’s not who I am.

I am hopeful and kind to a mother fucking fault.

Until someone wrongs me in a way I can’t overlook or harms someone I love. Then they are dead to me. I will still be civil if interactions are required because of friend groups etc, but at that point, no, they don’t deserve to be treated better than they treat me. You get surface level.

And surface level from a person like me is going to feel really different.

Because when I first have hope, I’m very open and caring. When I care about you, I will go above and beyond. When I love you…well people I love could probably describe that better. If they actually see and know me. So there’s a few.

I’ve been watching myself fade away. The burn out hasn’t had any relief. The medical stuff continues to chip away at me. The job stuff is fine, but I could be doing better. The relationship stuff is taking its toll. We don’t even need to mention my living situation.

Until this point I haven’t talked much about my metamour or my relationship configuration outside of mentioning Rochester in a few points. For awhile I was doing that from a place of fear.

I didn’t know that’s what it was until some self reflection last night.

I was afraid of writing in my blog, because talking about what had/was happening to me during V1, for whatever reason, ended up being the catalyst for my relationship ending.

Even though I don’t use real names here, I was still afraid that if I started talking and processing my difficulties with V2 on my blog, and if I was mentioning my metamour, that would result in the end of the relationship again. I’ve never even spent time on thinking of a nom de blog for them.

I think a part of me had also hoped that if I didn’t use this space to work through my thoughts about them and things that were occurring, it would allow for something more positive to grow there. Keeping it out of this tiny spotlight wouldn’t “jinx” it or something.

But that’s not how things work.

I don’t know if I will actually start to use this space or not. I have been so shutdown and burned out this year, I have barely touch my blog at all. Which I don’t think is good for me.

There’s a lot of things I have stopped doing.

I’m trying to find my way back, but that’s hard to do with everything. I’m not one of the people who gets to put things down or have more support that can step in.

It’s just me.

I have my support network I can talk to. And that do what they can when they can. I love them dearly for it. It’s also ok for me to admit it’s not enough to help me put anything down. It’s not enough that the burn out is getting better.

Teapot and I were supposed to start working on things I can do to recover from burn out while still in burn out and not being able to stop doing anything. That’s been waylaid for the last 3-4 sessions due to the meta issues of late. Last session I got a little upset by it. I was tired of focusing on it in therapy.

Teapot said it’s because there’s still an expectation for me to manage other people and their feelings. That it’s becoming similar to what I deal with in my family.

No one will admit that they want me to manage everything, but if I try to stop, then I’m being told all these negative things about me and how much I’ve never done etc.

I think it’s ultimately because people like to blame me. Instead of facing themselves. It’s easier.

Also really tired of people projecting their shit on me. That there’s an expectation that someone can say whatever they want to me, and I will remain calm and level headed and placate. But the moment I have an outward reaction to anything than that’s “proof” for them to use.

Anyway. Today was supposed to be chores. I’ve managed washing a load of laundry yesterday (still in the dryer), and convinced myself to shower this morning.

Still going to try and get something more done today around a virtual date with Rochester. But if I don’t manage to do anything, that’s fine too. Maybe I can manage it tomorrow.

Unclenching is Complicated

Today was a decent mix of things.

Parents left in the morning. I took a Covid test (negative) and then messaged Fairy Gay Mother and Pirate Queen to check in on masking in their home. Seeing as the rest of my family won’t mask anymore even with numbers climbing again. Went over for Pirate lunch in honor of Fairy Gay Mothers entrance into the world.

Lovely noms, saw the silly singing episode of Star Trek. Realized I never finished first season of Our Flag Means Death. Started waning, but was just in time for cake, which was delicious, and also the sugar enabled me to get back without having the POTs flare.

Started about 3miles from home. Took my meds, took other meds to help, started pounding more water until my body was convinced to start eating more. Did a good mix of salty and sugar.

Thought I was evening out until I got up to go to the bathroom. That was the closest I’ve come to a full faint since I started on my meds and learning as much as I can about POTs. When you’re about to faint it always feels really funny to me. It’s like you fall asleep for a second while standing up, except I’m phasing in and out of consciousness. Which means I get to feel even weirder things, like my knees turning to jelly, and my hypermobile joints attempting to lock to keep me from hitting the ground. I get a hazy awareness of my fingers scrambling for purchase on the counter top. Those brief flashes of thought of, “do I try to hold onto the sink? Or do I use it as leverage to get myself to the floor so there’s less distance from my head to the ground?”.

Luckily it was just presyncope.

Sat my butt right back down and chugged more water and had some more food.

Got to watch a few episodes of Castlevania with my brother. And a few episodes of my current junk food show.

I’ve been in my feelings about a few things too. There’s some old wounds I’ve been trying to process because they are threatening to open some new ones with them. There’s been something I noticed over the last two days too that has been hard. Seeing things only I can see again, but tired of trying to convince anyone it’s real and I’m not crazy. So I just watched, observed, absorbed, and do what I always do. Survive.

There’s a voice in my head that tells me this thing from last night is so small and stupid I should just let it go. But my brain can’t.

Today was hard too around that.

I’ve been sad on and off all day since last night, but there’s something that gave me a tiny spark of hope. Not about the situation, but about myself. I started feeling really sad, and the junk food show was not sufficiently numbing, and I had the sudden urge to bake.

Baking and cooking are the places where I can find peace. The steps and thoughts needed for those tasks make my brain slow down and focus. It can slow it down enough that I can work through some bigger feelings or at the very least acknowledge them without a giant swell of anxiety.

It had always been one of the healthy coping mechanisms. And then I get the extra bonus of sharing the items with people I care about and that in turn makes me feel better.

My history with baking became complicated when Heathcliff used it as a way to start fights. My baking became less and less, until I basically stopped all together.

During the divorce, I was able to start finding that joy again.

Since moving back in with family, my cooking and baking has become twisted again. Having an existence in any space in this house has. I feel like I can’t do the things I need and enjoy in this space because it will always result in fights and further breaking me down, and gaslighting.

I’m happy that I reached for it tonight and didn’t have any hesitation or anxiety. I was just excited to see if I could make something I never had the courage to bake before.

Tomorrow, hopefully we’ll have homemade cinnamon rolls, using discard from my sourdough discard aka BOB. Pray to deities of rising dough for me.

Now I curl up in bed. The voices and not great thoughts are still there. But at least they’re quieter and I’m feeling more solid in knowing I will do what I need to do for taking care of myself. I’m figuring out new boundaries and lines and that’s important to keep myself healthy.

Tomorrow, brunch, at home spa day with the kids, maybe some chores, maybe some gaming, and definitely crafting.

Today is for Fairy Gay Mother

In tradition with this day that a few likely rue and many more are grateful for, I have decided to make a more public post.

The ways Fairy Gay Mother has ruined me, lessons, and wisdom:

• I measure most interactions by her standards. I have some growing yet still to do on the amount of chances I give people, but I do at least sit back and think to myself, “if I were to share this interaction with FGM, what would her reaction be?”
• I do what I can and then I stop. Still working on that one too, but I do it way more often now than I did before.
• I have felt unconditional love. It has boundaries and is healthy, but there is never a condition on it. Continuing to have access to me, however, is conditional.
• I am not afraid anymore to let someone know that they are being unkind, even when it’s me. Before I would always stand up for others, but would generally let someone who was being unkind to me, continue to do so.
• I’ve learned that shame is just another stick they use to beat you with.
• Don’t do your enemies work for them.
• Love is having and respecting boundaries.
• I ask myself, “is this worth the cortisol?”, and sometimes I can actually say nah and walk away.

There are many more things. Though my brain is a bit fuzzy with therapy today and whatnot.

I will never forget the day I met FGM, or the fact that in a room full of people, she was the only one who saw through all my masks. I don’t think I would be nearly as far in my healing journey if she hadn’t sat down next to me, and showed me I didn’t have to be anyone but myself. I am grateful for every day and moment since then, and for every moment there still is.

I see her in so many moments now in my life, and it always makes me feel loved. I’ve even found my way to start becoming a purple person.

Thank you for helping me see spite sprite.

Thank you for making me an honorary pirate.

Thank you for being my family.

The Bare Minimum

Things continue to be a lot.

I feel like people are determined to misunderstand me and that I’m not being heard.

My needs and wants are often met with hostility and accusations.

Right now I could count the amount of people who take the time and spend the energy to care about me and take care of me, truly, on one hand.

My feed has been filled with the usual topics, which means I should really, probably, get off the scrolling hamster wheel. Though one of the things that came up was specifically around romantic relationships, and how most straight, cis women will talk about the challenges of dating straight, cis men, and how little they do for them no matter how much the women put in and do. The topic of what the bare minimum actually is has been circulating.

One creator, that I can’t remember now, brought up that the bare minimum is how your best friend would treat you. If your partner is not treating you at least at that level, than you shouldn’t be tolerating it.

Now, I’m not particularly good at pointing to a specific person and ranking them like that. Who is my best friend. I have my circle of trust and I feel those people are all in that ranking I guess. My friendships are varied and there’s valid reasons why some things happen and something’s don’t in each of them. But I could tell you, with absolutely certainty, those friends would go absolutely feral on my behalf. And I for them. Either burning everything down or to show exactly how much love is there.

I realized this weekend that my cousin showed me a good indicator of that bare minimum.

This is going to get long and feel like a tangent but stick with me.

I have been struggling for a few years (more than that but I digress). I have been feeling the burn out even more this year with all the medical issues and other things arising.

One of my biggest stressors has been my storage unit. It’s one of the things I have consistently asked for help on because the facility I’m at right now is terrible. Instead of helping me, my family has made the unit a nightmare for me to think about much less work in.

A few months ago, after realizing that my immediate family was truly never going to help me, I asked if I could bring all my bins of clothes out to my Aunt/Cousin’s and if they’d help me go through everything to sort, purge, and take pictures of. They of course agreed. Whenever I wanted to.

The surgery made that harder, then a few other issues came up.

My cousin, continuing to hear the issue and struggles and my overwhelm, offered to come out to me instead.

Didn’t ask me what I needed. Didn’t put further burden on me. Heard what I needed and where I was at, and just did what she could to help.

Original plans was the clothes. Pull them all out, maybe do a few things in the unit, but take everything back to the house and hide from the heat/AQ.

The morning took longer than expected.

Parents left almost 2hrs later than they had planned. I made breakfast for everyone that was left after they did (5 including me) which required a trip to the store for some items missing. Things were just not going according to schedule.

The whole morning before we were to head over, she kept giving me gentle reminders that she was there for me. Whatever I needed, whenever I needed it.

Eventually after breakfast I sat down. She had been playing a game. As soon as she saw me she reminded me she was ready to go, short of putting on shoes and changing a shirt, just let her know when I was ready.

I needed more time. I needed time to regulate. I needed time to not do anything.

“That’s fine. Just making sure you know I’ll put this down as soon as you say so. I’m here for you”.

Eventually I hit a space that I felt more calm and regulated (we had also stayed up fairly late with both of us venting about our week).

When we got to the storage unit and I opened the door, I was instantly overwhelmed again. It was worse than I remembered and somehow all of my clothes bins had been buried in the back despite that not being where I put them.

We decided the best course of action was to work our way to them. There were a bunch of boxes that technically had my things in them, but not full boxes, things that were mislabeled or crushed, and stuff I was fairly sure wasn’t mine but kept being told that it was mine.

She would work on stack, I’d start sorting through items. She’d find the empty boxes and just get them out of the way, or find a box to use for sorting donation items. She’d ask me some questions, and if I said I was staring to get overwhelmed, she’d find another task until I could answer her question or just left the overwhelm alone and didn’t circle back.

Eventually we cleared out almost to the center of the unit. She pushed me enough to finish what we could, but listened to anything I said was a boundary or hard stop. We spent about 3hrs in the storage unit and got more done than the last 3 years.

We pulled the broken furniture to the front, and took a few small boxes home for me to go through instead of dealing with the clothes. Made sure to drink lots of water.

She offered me the shower first, when I said it was fine I needed more time to transition to being able to take a shower, she just went and took the shower. Apologized when she thought she took too long. Asked if I needed anything done while I was in there.

When I got out she established a few asks for herself, but again with gentle reminders when I was getting distracted. “Hey, before you look for that, could we start heating up the snacks?”. Oh, yeah sure. Got that going, went back to the task. Stopped to eat. Decided I needed more of a break so we started watching movies and she reminded me later we both needed more protein, so we made another snack and watched another movie.

Eventually I was again regulated and started to sort through the boxes I brought back and everyone else did parallel play for me. Before that she validated how much work we did and that it was ok we didn’t get the planned tasks done, because the actual task was to make the unit less overwhelming and we did that. She reminded me that it was ok that I needed a longer break and distractions, because going through all those boxes is a lot. I’m having to process a ton of emotions and traumas when I’m looking and sorting and throwing away all those things.

She saw how much work I was doing, even the invisible work, and she not only acknowledged it but reassured me that she was fine that plans had changed and she was happy that she could be there to help me.

We had planned to head back to the storage the next day. At the very least to put the now clean ren faire clothes back in their box and tape up/correctly mark the boxes we had worked on the day before.

I couldn’t get going though.

I’ve been having this weird thing happen all day that when I stand up or change my elevation at all really, I get this sharp pain on the top of my head on the left side. Like I’m hitting my head or an ice pick is being driven down.

I tell her and she’s like ok, have you tried stretching your neck yet? No, so I lay on my neck stretcher for about 20mins. She lets me know that she’d be happy to massage my neck if I wanted. Thanks, I’ll try this first, go ahead and keep playing your game.

Seems to feel better, until I stand up. Same thing happens.

I sheepishly ask if she could rub a little cbd on the side that seems to be the issue. She responded in a positive way while also letting me know she needed to finish where she was in the game. Few minutes. No problem, I go grab the salve while she does that.

I ask if it’s easier for me to sit on the floor and she stay on the couch, etc. She confirms that’s more comfortable for her. We establish healthy boundaries of if she starts to feel pain, she needs to stop (she also has the same chronic illnesses I do) and I’ll let her know if it’s too much, etc.

When I tell you, that she spent over an hour (maybe 2 even) working on my neck and shoulders, I am not exaggerating. She broke down as many knots as she could. Gently telling me to stop apologizing and she was happy to help me feel better. Eventually we got in a rhythm of helping each other find the next issue or how to turn my head.

It’s the most relief I’ve had in a while with the pain in my shoulders and neck. She even gave me head scritches and a small face massage to help me transition from the deeper body work we were doing, to being done. She worked on my hands and forearms too.

We reestablished what the day should be like after that. Looking at her needs and mine. She needed to head home by 4pm. Awesome. I needed us to just tape things up and mark stuff, no extra push.

The pain in the top of my head is still happening every time I stand, so I don’t want to push whatever that is.

We decided it was way too hot when we get there and tape up the boxes from the house, put up the faire clothes, and decided everything else can wait for a different day. I’m no longer feeling overwhelmed by the space and feel confident I can back by myself as needed.

We picked up food and got her on the road by her needed time. We established she’d message when she got home.

When she did get home, we spent some time providing appreciation to each other and just overall some connection outside of everything else we did or talked about over the weekend.

I give this lengthy story to show myself what the bare minimum is.

Some would say that’s going above and beyond, but is it? I stated needs, she did what she could to meet those needs, and she adapted and helped me as those needs changed. I still respected her needs and kept them in mind and helped her achieve them without either of us sacrificing anything. We had some conversations and made some compromises, but that’s what they were, compromises.

No one was pushed beyond their limit.

No one felt unheard or abandoned.

No one was shut down or gaslit or told they needed to do something different or be something different.

We did what we could, and then we stopped.

But it wasn’t at the expense of either of us or the relationship/connection we have with each other.

We reminded each other that there was love and appreciation, and now we’re doing our own things for the rest of the night. We have future plans that we know we’ll talk about at some point, and we’re secure in knowing that there will be connection and contact even without that.

I have that with others too, even if I don’t see them as often as I would like or we don’t talk everyday. I’ve talked about that before, so I’ll try to not repeat all of it.

It’s important to remind myself that I am capable and have nourished and flourished in secure and safe connections, that are still going. If there’s misunderstandings, we talk it out. It is a team effort, and not an expectation for just one of us to do the majority of the labor. If one of us is unsure, we ask. The other provides reassurance. If we’re thinking about each other, we tell the other. If we haven’t heard from each other in awhile, we reach out.

I can have those things, and there are people that want/will provide them. In instances that they can’t, I never feel abandoned because they will always have a conversation with me about where they are and what they can do, and we figure it out together.

Because we’re important to each other.

Because there’s love there.

Because we know that love and connection is work, but it won’t and shouldn’t always feel like work.

I really needed someone to see me and to take care of me. Even for a little while. It’s not always going to be the person that I hope it will be, but there will always be someone there for me from my little circle.

They see and for the most part understand how much work I’m doing (and if they don’t understand exactly what I’m going through, they say that too, but still acknowledging my effort).

Someone can tell me no, and say nothing else and I will fall down a spiral. All I hear and feel is the rejection. Another person will say no, here’s why, here’s a thing I can do instead, and that spiral never happens. The boundary was clearly defined and they didn’t expect me to come up with alternatives, they told me their limits and we worked from that point.

When someone really understands how hard it is for me to ask for something I need, while they also need to respect their own energy and needs, and they can approach it with that level of kindness…It makes all the difference in the world to someone like me.

Sometimes it’s the smallest reframe or adjustment that can make the biggest impact.

In a lot of ways I am not that complicated of a person, because I will literally hand you a manual.

You just have to be willing and wanting to comprehend it.

Fair Vs Equal

Language and definitions are important to me.

I find I often struggle when society or individuals have a wide range of definitions of words/concepts that have a set definition and concept. That is the actual point of the definitions, to have a universal understanding of what that thing means.

One of the many confusing things for me is the ability people have to alter a definition in order to better suit themselves. Then they’ll often enforce that personal view on others, not only with the assumption that someone is using that word in the same way, but that that person will just automatically know there’s a personal definition being applied when that person uses the word.

Meanwhile, for the most part, I am stuck with the literal definition and understanding of the word. Which means I won’t pick up that they are not meaning the word the way that it’s supposed to be used, and they are not picking up on the fact that I am using the word with the literal definition.

I find that one of the words/concepts that I am constantly having issues with others around this is the concept of fairness/equity vs equality.

My ask of anyone really, but partners especially when in a ethical non-monogamous/poly structure, is to be treated fairly. I am always very clear to say, I do not expect equality but I do expect fairness.

This will always somehow devolve back into the other person being adamant that equality is not a reasonable ask or arguing that equality is not something that can happen.

And then I’m confused.

Why are we back to talking about equality and 1:1?

That was not my stated need.

I said I’m needing things to be fair.

Not equal.

I very clearly communicated that there was not nor would there ever be an expectation for equality.

I also can’t provide that to anyone, regardless of if I’m involved with multiple partners or not.

If one were to use the mighty search engines you may find some definitions similar to the ones below:

Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal. Equality means treating everyone exactly the same.

https://empoweringeducation.org/blog/fair-vs-equal/

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If fairness is the goal, equality and equity are two processes through which we can achieve it. Equality simply means everyone is treated the same exact way, regardless of need or any other individual difference. Equity, on the other hand, means everyone is provided with what they need to succeed.

https://risetowin.org/what-we-do/educate/resource-module/equality-vs-equity/index.html

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I ask the interwebs, why then, is the ability to be fair to someone seem to be such a very large and difficult task?

There may be some overlap in interests and asks if you happen to stick to dating people who are into similar things and communities. That’s unavoidable unless you just don’t do that. But even asking for some of the same things or similar things, is not in fact asking for dynamics to be completely equal.

It’s stating a personal need.

An example where this fits and differs.

Scenario 1:

I often have metamours that are also gamers/geeks/nerds. We may both have a need to have game nights/dates with our partner.

Fairness: Making time and effort to have those nights/dates with both of us is what I would consider fair. We both stated a need for time to game with our partner. That may mean my partner and I have virtual game nights. Maybe 2 a month, and then if we’re able to physically see each other we try to make an effort to game in person. Perhaps not every date, but some of them.

On the other hand, my partner and metamour get to have more in person ones because they live together, and let’s say they end up having 10-12 nights of gaming together. They’ll also likely have more opportunities to have game nights with friends or go to local gaming events.

We’ll both have the opportunity to choose and play the games that we prefer to play together based on our likes and needs for each of those times.

Equal: That would require my partner to have the exact same amount of gaming dates with us in the exact same environment and way.

If my metamour gets 12 dates, then I get 12 dates. If 3 of those were group activities, then I get 3 group activities. If they go to a gaming tournament, then my partner has to take me to one.

We all have to play the exact same games too. Even if I don’t like FPS and my metamour doesn’t like Yu-go-oh!, too bad, got to keep it equal.

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What would feel fair to me?

Despite there being a huge difference in 2 virtual game nights and 10-12 in person game nights, I would still feel and see an effort to meet my need. Circumstances and long distance makes it more challenging, and I understand that. Make a few of those group gaming nights possible for me to be there and at the very least asking me if I would like to join. That would all feel fair to me.

What would feel unfair?

Where things start to feel unfair is if I have been asking for game nights and I’m told I can’t have them because my metamour needs them. Or I constantly hear about my metamour having those game nights but there was little to no effort to also make time to game with me.

If I was told that because my metamour has a special game like, oh idk, Zelda, that means my partner could never play Zelda with me too because it had to stay special for my metamour ( especially if that then didn’t go the other way around of my partner not playing a specific game with my metamour that was special to me).

If for group gaming nights, they were never made on nights that I could be included or at the very least receive an invite that it was happening if I could make it. Even worse is if I was to never receive an invite no matter how many times those occasions occur.

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Scenario 2:

The amount of time and dates that I have with my partner vs the amount of time and dates my partner has with my metamour.

Fairness: My metamour and I both have a certain amount of scheduled and consistent time/dates with our partner. We both also have the option to plan trips and dates further in advance or ask for impromptu times. Could take any form; in person, virtual, phone calls, a block of time for texting, etc. Any need that we may have that could potentially affect the other should be stated clearly and upfront. Like if one of us has a need for our partner to put away their phone during dates (that shouldn’t be abused though).

Equal: My metamour and I should get the exact same amount of time with our partner (not actually possible if their nesting together). We get the same amount of consistent dates, the same amount of impromptu dates, vacations, and time to talk about our relationship. If they get a weekend to Napa, I get a weekend to Napa. If they get a 10 day cruise, I get a 10 cruise. If they have a set weekly date night, I get a set weekly date night, etc , etc, etc.

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What would feel fair to me?

Having consistent communication, especially when being long distance. If a live in partner can have a solid weekly date night, plus extra dates whenever they occur, I think it’s fair to have at least two virtual date nights, and a best attempt to have at least one physical date night a month. That may not always work out, so supplement with more time on the phone or something.

At least one decent length vacation together per year, a few extended weekend trips, and the ability to plan something more spontaneously. One or two important events.

What would feel unfair to me?

Not having some sort of regular time to look forward too. Not planning some dates ahead of time so there’s things to actively look forward to and having everything being last minute. Time spent together revolving completely around the other relationship(s) and their needs. Not getting at least a percentage of the extended weekends, trips, and/or vacations. Constantly being reminded why the other relationship(s) are getting more attention just because they are closer.

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Really my version of fairness, would even be called a fraction of what I should expect or ask for. I can hear the voices of several of my friends telling me I’m asking for too little already.

This is one of many reasons why it shouldn’t actually be hard to date me. I am understanding to a fault. I have been given so little from too many people for too long of my life. All that toxicity has made it easy to accept the bare minimum. But also, I don’t expect all of someone’s time, or even the majority of it. I am striving for balance and would like others in my life to also be able to achieve it.

Fairness vs Equality is really the same thing as Equity vs Equality. I know in my relationships, no matter what they are, they will not always be equal. From my end they especially won’t be when I’m having bad health days. Though in that example, I very rarely have people that take care of me anyway.

The sadness spiral has shown up and derailed the thoughts.

It makes me sad that this seems to be so hard for people to understand or to want to give to me. Too many times I end up in fights or disagreements, because I’m asking for a fraction of what they are willing to do for someone else. When that’s not actually explained clearly it makes it even worse for me.

I want to understand.

I’m not just looking to shame someone or push them into doing something they don’t want. That will never be who I am.

I do expect that if I am stating a need, if someone can’t meet that need they should be able to tell me that clearly. These are also needs I state at the beginning of a romantic relationship, so it should not be a shock. If they know my need and can’t meet it, they should be providing a compromise. It shouldn’t solely be on me so then I can just continually get rejected and make my needs smaller and smaller until they’re satisfied with what the ask is.

That isn’t fair.

A relationship with me comes with the disclaimer that my responsibility is to state my needs, their responsibility is to tell me if they can meet that need, and then we’ll go from there.

Trying to get all this out has just made me even more exhausted again. Teapot says I’m back to managing too much. They’re right of course.

What really happens if I just decide to not do all the things I do? Not sure if I would even be me if I stopped, but maybe it’s worth science.