Derishishishishi

Things haven’t been great and have been getting worse.

I’m getting further and further into a space of feeling sad and alone.

Logically, I know that’s not true. There’s a few people in the world that care about and love me. That I know have never, ever intentionally hurt me. Especially not to make themselves feel more comfortable or to avoid me and my feelings. Or blamed me for why they hurt me in the first place.

Feelings don’t need logic. Feelings are primal.

I’m feeling grief and despair and defeat.

I feel like I don’t have much left in me to keep going on.

But I also don’t know what happens or what that will mean.

My moments of joy are too few even when I try really hard to have them. Around things that others wouldn’t even deem to be something to pour that much emotion into.

And still the other emotions are louder.

I don’t understand how people don’t see their own hypocrisy in how they treat me and think about me. I figure ultimately it’s because they don’t want to deal with their own feelings about it. They don’t want to face how much harm they create and cause, and then count themselves among the others they also vehemently condemn for treating me in such ways. Which means it’s easier to blame me.

I am grateful for fairy Gay mother that will, unprompted, continue to send me things to remind me she is so very glad I am alive and would like me to continue to be so.

I am grateful for ebbf, who still messages me every few days, even if it’s just a hello, how are you.

I am grateful for Sprinkles, who I know I can reach out to at anytime and I know she’ll get back to me.

I am grateful that I can and will find and make joy from the littlest things in a life that has been filled mostly with pain and sadness.

I am grateful that I carve out spaces for myself in a world that was never meant for me and in spaces where people try to break me down into nothing.

I am grateful that the thousand heartbreaks in my life time have taught me that it’s only one more heartbreak, and one more heartbreak, and one more. Ultimately, there’s nothing different about them. They’re all broken promises and people who have not been capable of loving me in the way that I need and ask to be loved. That is a fault in them, not in me.

I am, in fact, very easy to love, and will give someone I love all that I can. But I’m learning to stop giving them my peace. It’s been a very hard lesson. I’m learning that I may not be able to stop loving someone, but I can stop hurting myself in hopes that someday they’ll decide I’m worth even the bare minimum. I’m learning the very least someone can give me in a relationship is respect, equity, and reciprocating behavior.

I’m trying to keep going on while I have had nothing left in me for years. I’m trying to keep going on when the people who are supposed to care about me the most, show me they don’t and continue to abandon me when I need them the most.

I’m trying to keep going on even though most people don’t take that seriously at all. They continue to minimize my pain and life experiences and just expect me to keep shouldering it all and don’t worry at all that someday it will be too much and too late.

The last few days have been extremely hard on me. I had multiple people show me again that they don’t think about me or care about what I need. Even when I ask for the smallest of things. Like talking to me. Like considering me.

Today I got so sad. I have had to will myself from crying. But it only lasts for so long.

I know I’m stupid for begging anyone to just meet me halfway instead of just cutting them out. Family, friend, lover. Pick one. You’d probably be right this week on any of them,

Today while I was driving and thinking and crying, I subconsciously started laughing out loud.

But not my real laugh.

Dershishishishishi

It’s a laugh from One Piece. It’s from one of the saddest arcs that I have reached so far.

Dershishishishishi

If ya keep laffin’ y’can be happy.

So jus’ laff! When ya have a hard time, jus’ laff.

Y’seem t’be havin a hard life…

Sometimes there’s nothing left to do but laugh. Because I have nothing left.

A Prime Example

If one were to need a picture that can mostly describe my family dynamic and where it is that I reside within it, tonight was a key example.

For context: my family of origin has two cube organizers in the kitchen. One of them is setup like a “bar” and has Tupperware and containers in the top half of the cubes, and other drinks in the lower half. The second organizer is for snacks. So my brother, mom, and dad all have a personal cube for their snacks. There’s one for cookbooks, one for kitchen towels, one for coffee/k cups, one for chips, and the last one is more healthy snacks (nuts, granola, etc).

I also can’t get them to regularly clear out old food, and have discussions with them about food waste, and not buying more than we need etc. I have asked them to help me keep healthier things in the house because the processed food makes me sick because of my health issues. I have asked for spaces in the fridge etc, and have been told no problem but they quickly get taken over by other things. I have asked my mom specifically to help keep the fridge, pantry, and cubes checked and cleaned.

I moved back in 2020, when Covid first started the shelter in place and my mom had a major surgery coming up. Little did I know that would end up being several surgeries. So I had moved back in for multiple reasons. I was always told a cube would get cleared for me.

Spoiler; it never did.

Fast forward to a week ago. My mom is trying to figure out who her enemy should be in the house for this next cycle of behaviors. She’s testing the waters with things to instigate us. She specifically yelled at my brother last week for something, which he handled very well, and my mom didn’t realize my brothers girlfriend was in the living room until the mask had been taken off and real behavior was shown.

This means my mom is trying to recreate the illusion.

Yesterday and today, my mom has been messing around in the kitchen right around the time I need to be in there for something. I have been having a bad few months, so I was mainly just removing myself from the possibility of conflict. I’d go out to the garage or sit down on the couch to watch something until she left.

Today, before dinner, my mom reveals to my brothers girlfriend that she cleaned out her snack cube, so that the my brother and his girlfriend could have extra space. She’ll keep a couple things in there still, but mainly it was for them to use now.

Ok. Sure.

I get that there are two of them living in one room and all that. I get that they really don’t have their own space. I’m honestly not mad about the cube.

It’s what the cube represents.

There’s something that I keep getting told I will get. That room will be made for me. That I’m wanted and important, and that I should have a space of my own too.

I’m promised this thing, over and over again. Because they don’t want me to forget, or think that maybe they forgot, and they’re thinking about me obviously. They have ways that they’ll show me I’m loved and cared for. Just wait a little longer this thing came up yesterday, and today has been really rough too. And you know there’s a bunch of other stuff on deck that’s also stressing them out. So as soon as they can they’ll do that thing for me.

Days.

Weeks.

Months.

Years.

And then that thing is done for and given to someone else. There is no recognition or understanding that that thing was promised to me. There’s no consideration over my feelings or what my experience of that being given away without even a conversation, might be.

Because that’s what they really do for people they love and care about. They do things to make them feel important and that their comfort matters. They do things that anticipate where a need might be and help make sure it’s taken care of.

I’m not even worth remembering.

Keep that in mind. Keep in mind that in a lifetime of being told I’m worthless and small. That someone will always be more important than me. That my only good qualities is what I can do for others and I don’t even do all those things right.

Remember, that I never let that break me. I never let it tell me that it was ok to turn around and make others feel small and worthless and like they had to earn my love and kindness. That other were lower than me, That I have chosen to stay as soft and vulnerable as I can after a lifetime of mistreatment by more than my family. That I decided to say no more. That I continue to learn and grow and strive to be a more healed version of myself, no matter how many times someone tells me there’s someone more important. No matter how many times a friend or my family or lover forgets me.

I choose kindness.

Another year, another day

February stays the same.

More pain, more heartache, more lessons about how love should and shouldn’t feel.

I did my photoshoot. Which was cold and challenging, and who knows if I ever had more than one expression. Not sure when I get the images back.

I have my very dark roses that I bought myself. They were delivered on the 7th. I left them as long as I could, so as I trim them every few days, maybe they’d last just a little longer. I’m going to try a couple different ways of drying them eventually. As Miley says, I can buy myself flowers. Generally have to. I think I’ve mostly received them as apologies. Got them twice for my birthday, but the second time I had to ask and then got attitude for it.

Still haven’t managed the strawberries. We’ll see how depressed I am tomorrow. Ironic that I have therapy literally on Valentine’s Day this year.

I’ve been reading Bell Hooks, “All About Love”. When my heart can handle it. She reminds that my life is mostly grief, but there’s some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has gone through these things. That has been used for my love more often than being loved.

I realized I do tend to model the way I would like to be loved. Not always. A big part of it is just how I do love, but if I’m really honest with myself, I do wish to be on the receiving end of things as well, more often than most partners have provided or even care to do.

At first I wanted to take myself out to see Amelie tomorrow night. There’s special showings of it in theaters. I never had the chance to see it in theaters and it is one of my favorite movies. One of those ones that reminds me to hope. But there’s nothing near me and I don’t have the ability to drive myself farther.

I had thought about just having a solo movie night with some of my favorites then. But I’m less inclined right now to want to feel any of those things.

I had thought about making a really nice, and kinda fancy meal at home to share with the my brother and his girlfriend. But I don’t have the energy to do that anymore either, and they were never sure if they were going to do something or not.

Everything feels too heavy.

I still did some valentines gifts this year. Because I had felt like it at the time. Because part of me is always going to be and want to be romantic, no matter how anything is actually turning out.

Monday while driving and generally in times of waiting, I spent a good chunk of it thinking about older conversations with teapot. Things haven’t been great in the relationship realm. Communication issues, triggers getting drop kicked again, mixed messages in general.

Teapot had asked me long ago, both before I started dating again and when it first started, what made me feel loved. The memory of it had me going back through the journal I have where I had been writing those things down. The lists of what makes me feel loved, what I needed and wanted in a relationship, and boundaries around all of that.

There’s entries in there too that are scattered moments from over the relationship, but especially the last year. Things that felt too private to add here.

A lot of them I couldn’t actually manage to read through. I’d catch a sentence or two, then start to tear up.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be an emotional masochist and actually read through the things. Therapy already won’t be an easy session. Because again, maybe ironically, tomorrow is working on a difficult subject around relationships general, but also the current one specifically.

I’ve been working on a letter too. Not a love letter. And maybe another one that gets added to the pile of ones I never actually send. Though I don’t get them often anymore, and I don’t send them often now either. One of the ways I’m trying to teach myself to match energy.

So maybe tomorrow I will just give myself to wallow. After work, I will just crawl into bed, and stay there. Because I’ve been fighting so hard for things…

At a friend’s bday over the weekend, I forget what the exact conversation was about. I remember, vaguely, a comment being made about something I did for myself. My unfiltered response was something along the lines of I had to be the one to take care of and save myself. Because even white knights don’t ever want to try to save me.

Ebbf has at least, once again provided sentiments that he wishes he could buy me out of my situation at home, and has vowed my freedom should he ever receive a windfall.

Not all love is romantic love.

Time to leak out some feelings and hopefully sleep without cpstd nightmares, likely asking for too much.

Labels, lamentations, and ENM

I have a very complicated history and relationship with labels.

Started in childhood, chugging along strongly through adulthood.

I need labels because they help me understand the baseline expectations. I say base line, because like with many other things, people change their definition of a word/label, so conversations should still occur. Though I’ve noticed people like to skip that step and just assume everyone uses the label in the same way they do.

I digress.

I struggle with labels because they feel confining. Though often there isn’t a right word because people and situations are complicated and none of them are the same even when using the same labels.

There’s much more I can say on that, but I lack the focus. I feel that might be apparent.

I am going to briefly mention my metamour and because I don’t know how I feel about that label at the moment, I did settle on a nom de blog. Sticking with Jane Eyre, we’ll use Blanche.

Saying that things have been difficult there would be an understatement. More recently (in the last few months) it has become even more emotionally taxing. At first I was hoping there would be maybe some healing or at least understanding. Then I was hoping that we could find the common ground of both caring for Rochester and wishing to make his life less difficult.

Now, I suspect my trauma has been correct. But not much I can do about it.

Blanche and I have been exchanging messages on a chat/social media app. Mostly has not been going well. I have three people from my circle that I have been asking for some help in proofreading, reality checks, and overall support.

Teapot has also been included on most of the exchange, as it has been triggering my trauma and anxiety pretty hard.

I’ve actually been making an attempt far past where my circle and Teapot told me to go, and are still encouraging me to put it down.

After a clarification with Rochester, and depending on if/what Blanche messages next will likely determine things.

Definitely gives too many chances.

Anyway, I had suggested that the vee (her, Rochester, and I) should see a relationship coach to work through some of the communication issues and values misalignment.

Naturally that blew up in my face and reinforced some beliefs. Then Blanche seemed to consider going just the two of us to start. I sent her the info for the coach I had been asking questions of and had setup an agreeable contract.

Blanche gets …concerned, that the relationship coach currently identifies as a relationship anarchist. So Blanche then starts to question me on my identity and labels (noting for future me, remember that Teapot was not thrilled about this interaction and change of focus on my labels/identity).

At the time the question happened, I didn’t have the space or ability. In a day or two I responded as best I could. Because identity is complicated and nuanced and I have had to deal with my identity constantly shifting for the last 5 years as I went through break ups, a divorce, losing my job, the pandemic, and all my new labeled diagnosis.

I wrote an essay basically, but no one who actually knows me would be surprised by this.

I just felt like putting out into the world, my current view on who I try to be when it comes to ethical non monogamy, my values, and what I look for in my connections.

Would also like to note to future self, it has now been 6 days without an acknowledgment or reply. Let’s see if Blanche breaks the 12 day record.

Onto the essay! That I didn’t really proof read or edit. Good luck!

What does ENM mean to me?

Over simplified summary:

For me ENM is about autonomy, informed consent, and working towards a place of co-existence and fairness.

Full answer:

I’ll preface with saying that I have a complicated relationship with labels, especially in the last 5-10 years as I’ve been working through different things. Which makes this not an easy thing to answer and why I needed some more time to work through some thoughts.

I also find that while they can be useful in certain instances, they are not in others. Everyone has their own version of what something means which can lead to misunderstandings or expectations that aren’t communicated properly that then result in unnecessary conflict. Some things are just difficult to label in general.

I have experienced and been involved in several different relationship configurations. In general, I would probably more closely identify as ambiamorous. Partially due to identifying somewhere on the demi scale both sexually and romantically. My first and most of my experiences with relationships have been/are a form of poly or ENM. I have been in periods of monogamy, or full on monogamous relationships. The full mono relationships did not end up being healthy for me for various reasons. ENM/poly have been more positive, though not all. Since connections tend to be sparse for me, I appreciate and need the freedom of exploring those if/when they should occur is what it comes down to, and I want my partner(s) to be afforded the same.

There are many things about the polyamorous community that I don’t agree with, and do not align with my personal morals at this point in my life and healing. I’ll say poly as short hand when needed in certain situations, but I don’t personally identify that way anymore. Sometimes it just takes too long to get into nuances at a social gathering. I don’t demonize anyone’s preferences in poly/ENM styles. I do expect people to be up front about their relationship structure, so I can ask more questions and then make the best decisions for myself.

I have started reading about relationship anarchy, and other ways ethical non monogamy is practiced, but I don’t identify as a relationship anarchist. There’s things within that identity that also do not align for me at this point or ignores circumstances. I believe it’s important to continue to educate myself and hear different perspectives or ways of doing things. I have found it a very rare thing for anyone in this community to have stuck to a single style the entire time.

Overall, when it comes to being ethically non monogamous I try to stick to certain values and morales more than anything else.

I don’t get involved with don’t ask/don’t tell relationships. If that works for someone, that’s fine, but personally I think it can lead to unnecessary conflict and hardships, and would rather avoid it.

Whenever possible I attempt to work towards “kitchen table poly” or “garden party poly”. I still believe using labels like that need to have actual conversations of what that means to everyone and not make assumptions that everyone is meaning the same thing.

I believe in autonomy and informed consent. I have preferences with partners, and I have boundaries. I believe “rules” can become very toxic, very quickly. I have experienced that in more than one relationship and have seen it destroy people I care about in others. I don’t believe in restricting the interactions and relationships of others, and I don’t believe people should try to enforce that on me.

I believe everyone is a human being and should be treated with common decency. That attempting to be kind and understanding and working on compromises can result in better connections and overall experiences. Consideration and care towards everyone involved is important to me.

I also think everyone involved should be aware of what power imbalances/privileges are in their different configurations and do their best to not weaponize those things. Paraphrasing a friend, “Hierarchy is endemic to most relationships, but any ethical look at any sort of hierarchy means being willing to investigate your preferences and being honest with yourself, your partners, and other members of the polycule. Not interrogating your own preferences could end up enforcing extremely unfair situations on people, or failing to manage some imbalance in desire between you and them”.

Again, people need to be people. I understand that nothing will ever truly be equal. No matter what anything looks like. Even in cases of if everyone was just “solo poly”, true equality is pretty impossible. I think it’s important for everyone to strive for fairness and negotiate what that means. Different relationships have different connections and different needs.

Related to that, double standards should be minimized as much as possible, though in my opinion, in an ideal world, shouldn’t exist. An example: if someone expects that when they are on a date with a partner, phones should be put away and texting other partners should not be happening. Then they should be affording the same courtesy/respect in the other direction. Which someone only knows about when it is talked about. Because not everyone has the same expectations or needs something like that.

I hope it’s a universal understanding that emergencies are going to happen, people are going to be going through different things in their life at different times or some times at the same time, some will be more extroverted/introverted, etc. That should all be taken into consideration on a regular basis. We’re all going to need different levels of support at different times.

If there is a reason that something in particular is special and someone would like it to remain that way, that’s understandable, and once again, should be a conversation and allow informed consent. I don’t believe anything is an actual inherent right to anyone or should be a default practice. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people wanting the same things and for multiple people to be able to experience it too. I do have issues if someone tries to make it an explicit rule that one person always gets to experience something first. That’s leaning towards toxic again. Or one person has to be able to do everything the other person does, but then tries to restrict it in the opposite direction. I believe it is completely reasonable for open poly/ENM people to share or trade off on events, holidays, etc. One of my previous polycules has a system that seems very fair and healthy in that regards.

When a relationship configuration changes (ie new partners, fwb becoming romantic, etc) or evolves in one way or another, there should be discussions instead of assumptions of preferences and values. Up front break downs of the dynamic(s) for someone new. Discussions in general of capability, expectations, needs, and interactions preferred with other polycule members.

I don’t believe in viewing or treating anyone as less than anyone else. I question anyone who says they’re ENM/poly, and have that as part of their dynamics. I have empathy and understanding for insecurities, I have them too. They shouldn’t be used to actively harm others or restrict relationships. That starts to go towards the toxic monogamy mindset for me.

I will afford as much respect and kindness as I am also receiving. I don’t think anyone should be forced to have connections with other members of the polycule, but in general should be open to seeing what that person is about and giving interactions a chance. I try to default to the thinking that if I like my partner, and my partner likes this other person, there’s probably going to be good things about them that I will like too.

Ultimately, I don’t believe that anyone has the right to make decisions for others. That everyone is responsible for their own boundaries and expressing their needs or wants. No relationship, no matter how anyone identifies, is going to look exactly like another relationship even when using the same labels. Because people and circumstances are different, and that should be respected.

Teapot On Trauma

Lately I’m having to remember a conversation Teapot and I had a while back.

It is clear I have varied and complex trauma. I’m probably just stacks of trauma wrapped in a trench coat.

Since a significant portion of my trauma is based in emotional abuse (gaslighting, darvo, manipulation, etc) and also trauma based around undiagnosed AuDHD. When I start to have a bad feeling, I have the bad habit of gaslighting myself. Sometimes it’s in the form of saying, “hey that’s probably just trauma talking and this thing isn’t real”.

I’ve noticed that other people also say that to me and reinforce the idea that my past trauma is making me see people for being worse than they are or marking intentions as being something they’re not.

Sometimes, people are actually not great people. Or have bad intentions. Just because I can see it, and someone else can’t, doesn’t mean I’m the one who is always seeing something not there. Sometimes it’s someone not wanting to see something that is there.

I got so in my head about this concept, I did a check in with Teapot. A paraphrased Teapot response:

Sometimes when our trauma sees things that are similar to something that harmed us in the past, it gives us a warning. Sometimes, that warning is just a warning. Making sure you’re paying attention to a potential threat.

Other times, the trauma is right and you are experiencing another trauma that is mirroring something your brain recognizes.

Acknowledge what your trauma is telling you. Keep an eye on what’s going on. See what develops.

Teapot (ish)

There have been more things in the last couple weeks that are very close to previous traumas. There are patterns of behavior that I recognize from multiple instances. I also experienced again, an opinion that my trauma makes me pessimistic and that I will over analyze people in a negative light.

And if that was completely true, I would never give anyone a chance. Ever.

Fairy Gay mother is of the opinion I still give too many chances. She is correct, of course.

And right now I’m struggling with the fact that people are so dismissive of what my trauma is saying. That trauma is an expert at this point on what it looks like when someone is being deceitful. Can it always pinpoint what kind of deceit? No. But it knows something is wrong and not on the up and up.

Constantly being told I’m negative and pessimistic makes me want to stop trying. It’s not paying attention to the whole being I am. If I was only negative and pessimistic and wanted to only believe the worst in people, man I would get hurt a lot less.

But that’s not who I am.

I am hopeful and kind to a mother fucking fault.

Until someone wrongs me in a way I can’t overlook or harms someone I love. Then they are dead to me. I will still be civil if interactions are required because of friend groups etc, but at that point, no, they don’t deserve to be treated better than they treat me. You get surface level.

And surface level from a person like me is going to feel really different.

Because when I first have hope, I’m very open and caring. When I care about you, I will go above and beyond. When I love you…well people I love could probably describe that better. If they actually see and know me. So there’s a few.

I’ve been watching myself fade away. The burn out hasn’t had any relief. The medical stuff continues to chip away at me. The job stuff is fine, but I could be doing better. The relationship stuff is taking its toll. We don’t even need to mention my living situation.

Until this point I haven’t talked much about my metamour or my relationship configuration outside of mentioning Rochester in a few points. For awhile I was doing that from a place of fear.

I didn’t know that’s what it was until some self reflection last night.

I was afraid of writing in my blog, because talking about what had/was happening to me during V1, for whatever reason, ended up being the catalyst for my relationship ending.

Even though I don’t use real names here, I was still afraid that if I started talking and processing my difficulties with V2 on my blog, and if I was mentioning my metamour, that would result in the end of the relationship again. I’ve never even spent time on thinking of a nom de blog for them.

I think a part of me had also hoped that if I didn’t use this space to work through my thoughts about them and things that were occurring, it would allow for something more positive to grow there. Keeping it out of this tiny spotlight wouldn’t “jinx” it or something.

But that’s not how things work.

I don’t know if I will actually start to use this space or not. I have been so shutdown and burned out this year, I have barely touch my blog at all. Which I don’t think is good for me.

There’s a lot of things I have stopped doing.

I’m trying to find my way back, but that’s hard to do with everything. I’m not one of the people who gets to put things down or have more support that can step in.

It’s just me.

I have my support network I can talk to. And that do what they can when they can. I love them dearly for it. It’s also ok for me to admit it’s not enough to help me put anything down. It’s not enough that the burn out is getting better.

Teapot and I were supposed to start working on things I can do to recover from burn out while still in burn out and not being able to stop doing anything. That’s been waylaid for the last 3-4 sessions due to the meta issues of late. Last session I got a little upset by it. I was tired of focusing on it in therapy.

Teapot said it’s because there’s still an expectation for me to manage other people and their feelings. That it’s becoming similar to what I deal with in my family.

No one will admit that they want me to manage everything, but if I try to stop, then I’m being told all these negative things about me and how much I’ve never done etc.

I think it’s ultimately because people like to blame me. Instead of facing themselves. It’s easier.

Also really tired of people projecting their shit on me. That there’s an expectation that someone can say whatever they want to me, and I will remain calm and level headed and placate. But the moment I have an outward reaction to anything than that’s “proof” for them to use.

Anyway. Today was supposed to be chores. I’ve managed washing a load of laundry yesterday (still in the dryer), and convinced myself to shower this morning.

Still going to try and get something more done today around a virtual date with Rochester. But if I don’t manage to do anything, that’s fine too. Maybe I can manage it tomorrow.

Self Care vs Self Care(TM)

Late stage capitalism has its fangs and claws in just about everything. It really is no surprise that it found a way to monetize a persons healing journey.

Stressed? Buy a spa package!

Burned out? Go on vacation!

Feeling depressed? Retail therapy is the thing for you!

There’s this common theme for most conversations in the media now that in order to do self care you spend money. You’re still expected to buy your sense of peace and stay a cog in the machine.

It sounds like I’m invalidating those forms of self care. I am not. Sometimes those are very real and necessary forms for self care.

What doesn’t get highlighted as often are the forms of self care that are not necessarily centered around being a consumer. The decisions of trying to do daily hygiene because you haven’t been able to in a few days and now water from a shower hurts or making decisions that don’t feel good to make in general.

Somedays the very thought of water from a shower really does make my skin hurt so bad, I can’t stand the idea of being in there for even 5mins. Sometimes my “shower” is a shower wipe and spending 2hrs convincing myself I can hold my head under the detachable shower head for at least 2mins to wet it and rinse it.

Somedays I have to force myself to eat, and sometimes that self care looks like grabbing a safe food over a healthier food. No one talks about the shame you battle when making that self care decision. Like my options is to eat that frozen semblance of food or eat nothing at all and hurt my body even more.

Somedays I have to bargain with myself to be able to brush my teeth twice. Sometimes that looks like not brushing my teeth through all of the cycles because I’m overstimulated already and the full 2mins will make me more anxious and irritable.

Somedays the trauma is too loud, or the current situation is too close to a past one or not enough has changed from a previous situation that caused issues and talked through it. Sometimes people can’t or won’t meet your needs that would be better for everyone, so you choose the need that is not. Sometimes that need is a hard thing to ask for because you don’t necessarily want to go with that option but you’ve been burned out and exhausted for too long. You don’t have space and capacity for middle ground anymore, and go to the extreme end in order to protect yourself. And you know it hurts them too, not being able to talk to you for awhile in a form that’s more instant.

Self care is hard.

Self care is work.

At times it’s fucking brutal.

Disconnecting from people that I truly care about is the last thing I ever want to do, because I actually really need the connection and to not feel alone. But I will do it to protect myself when that person(s) or connection(s) isn’t able to be there for me and there hasn’t been enough change for me to feel secure again.

In session with Teapot today we talked about how hard it is to know the thing/things I really need to recover from burn out and it’s quite literally not an option. I’m trying to work on smaller steps with getting back to consistent self care but that has also been hard. It’s like my brain is pissed that I’m treating myself just like most people have through my life.

My body and brain stated a need, and I said nope, not possible. Pick something else. So it does, and again I tell it now. Because unfortunately reality, and not just because I don’t want to do it. I keep telling myself to whittle down my needs for trying to recover into smaller and smaller things. And because there’s this anger and resentment that I have to do that, I just don’t do anything. I’m frozen.

I know I need to get past this somehow. But it’s hard. Being kinder to myself sometimes means not forcing myself to do anything, even if I know it’s something I need to do.

I’m tired though. I’m tired of doing it all alone and this last year + I had really been trying to reach out more and ask for help. I needed people to step up more for me. And they can’t. In the case of my parents, won’t. So I resent that I continually have to be strong and enough for myself. That I can’t put things down.

I told Teapot that I saw an idea that I wanted to try of taking “No Growth Days”. Which means no growth. Not being my best self and getting to do the bare minimum all day. But then I realized I have no idea how to be/do the bare minimum. That even when I told Rochester I was stepping back and not covering the energy deficit while he is also burned out and exhausted, I kept finding myself still doing more. I kept trying to find different angles and come up with more possible solutions. I couldn’t manage more than a few days without once again working hard on myself and trying to find a place that felt comfortable to both of us.

I will constantly say in other situations that I can’t do something, and then it’ll be ignored by people like my parents and I find myself doing that thing anyway.

How to I rest and do the bare minimum when I’m the only one that will get things done? I would really like it if the care I give other people was reciprocated more often. But it’s not, and I don’t understand why. And I’m tired of always taking care of myself, and everyone else. I don’t even want to take care of myself anymore which is evident in the last year.

I’m trying to get back on track. I wrote a letter to myself last night. Validating my need for external help and validation, but just because I wasn’t getting it didn’t mean I stopped recognizing and appreciating myself. Which I had been doing.

I was no longer recognizing how much I was doing and working on. I didn’t realized it until Fairy Gay Mother mailed me a note. Telling me that despite the odds, I was still here, and still swinging.

Like fuck.

How many people would still be swinging after everything I’ve been through and it keeps piling on? How am I still doing it? No wonder I’m fucking tired and screaming for help.

I wanted help so bad, I stopped helping myself in a lot of ways.

I allowed people to recondition me into not taking up space, because it’s easier. It’s easier to not push for and stand up for the things I need. And now I’m edging into miserable again. Mainly because of where I am living.

It’s hard to get out of burn out and do self care when you don’t feel safe. When you’re not allowed to be more than whatever it is they want and if you step out of line, you get abused and triggered until you stop again. I told Teapot I’m to the point that I can no longer figure out what’s better for me. To not say anything, and let it happen so it stops faster, or to stand up for myself and risk unpredictable outbursts. I finally admitted to Teapot how unsafe I really feel here. Let’s just say there was a lot of notes typed out. I’m only allowed to exist here when they tell me I can. Though they’d never admit to that. They’d swear one way and another that it’s not true and of course I can xyz or abc.

Somedays self care means having to stay in a place like that, because making any other decisions will harm you even more in the long run.

Somedays self care is knowing what you need to do and have to do and taking another night of just watching a stupid show with your brother and his girlfriend.

Because in two days I going out to help my grandma, because no one else will help her with the things she needs. Because this week I asked Rochester to not text me while he’s on a trip and we haven’t found a balance for those times to not be triggering for me. Because my parents are coming back tomorrow and I’ll have to brace for the weekly big blow ups again.

I’m the one that always saves me. I can’t start letting myself down now. But I need to learn how to save myself with self care, even the hard kind, instead of running myself into the ground and further.

I don’t know how, and I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’ve heard from a very reliable source that the secret is, no one really knows what they are doing.

Not Doing Well

I can tell I’m not doing well tonight since I just caught myself spiraling in some bad trauma habits.

Today (Tuesday) was a very rough day. It was rough enough that I actually gave into needing support and asked my cousin at the last minute to go with me.

I realized I was holding out hope for something that wasn’t going to happen. I am lucky that my cousin had offered to go with me as soon as she knew about the biopsy. She left it up to me if I wanted her there or to go alone and kept reminding me she was there and that I could let her know even up to Monday night. Which it was Monday afternoon, but still.

Anyway, went in for a biopsy. Like one does I guess. And my cousin was pretty much the only person who provided me support and took care of me all day.

Pisces did remember that the procedure was today and checked in on me. We lamented over the fact that I cannot tub for the foreseeable future.

Update Rochester, Fairy Gay Mother, and Sprinkles. Sprinkles and I talked for a bit about what they did and how I was feeling.

I’ll have answers hopefully by the end of the week.

I’m not in a good place though. Not about the biopsy. It’s going to be whatever. No control over that. I did at least finally get grippy socks. I am both excited and sad that they’re fancy ones though.

I’m sad and in a bad place over things I’m starting to question. My cousin and I had a bunch of time today, which was great. Over brunch, she was a bit upset on my behalf that Rochester had not remembered that I was going through that today. It led to a lot of questions and conversations about our relationship.

It doesn’t help that my system was put through a fairly big trauma today, and I apparently disconnected from my body so hard, that when we did get back to my parents house, I nose dived to subterranean levels. I basically crumpled on the couch, locked in crippling states of nausea and nerve pain on top of the uncomfortable sensations from the biopsy. But my cousin stayed long enough to work on my shoulders for at least 30mins, though likely longer. She got me rootbeer for my stomach and made me my plate of food, and made sure I did my ice and meds. Had alarms set for all the additional times I would need them later.

Eventually she did have to head home. And I realized at that point the majority, if not all of the support and care for me today had walked out the door.

I kept having to go and ask my parents to get my ice pack, since I had to do it every hour for 10mins and my restrictions mean I can’t get into our freezer drawer. I had to keep asking for someone to pick up the elder dog.

I’m not having much hope for the surgery at the end of this month. My cousin has offered to bring me to her parents place, but that doesn’t feel comfortable any more than being at my parents place. For reasons I don’t feel like getting into at the moment.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy, but I did eventually lose track of it until I realized I was one foot in the unhealthy things. But I realized. And here I am processing and being accountable.

I know I don’t have unrealistic expectations. I cried a few times today. I’ll cry at least once more. Release is better.

I’m feeling terrible enough that I have called off work for the morning. I’ll likely update that I won’t be in all day. That is a sign of growth and healing, but should also be a sign to anyone who claims to know me even in fraction, of how bad off I am really doing mentally and physically.

At least there’s therapy.

Teapot and I are going to have to focus on this burnout, and figuring out where my edges are on a few topics. Not looking forward to it, but it’s work that needs to be done. I’m not going back to the version of me that didn’t know her worth. I’m not going back to being the person that puts in 150% into others while they give 20% back. I don’t care who it is.

If they value me, I should never have to question it. I should never have to ask myself if I can actually rely on them.

Some part of me feels like I should end this post on a softer note, but I am exhausted and those words are elusive.

no clever title

Parents informed me last night, they’d be home today. That’s 5 days earlier than they were supposed to be.

Cue me instantly apologizing for existing because I haven’t finished the dishes yet and all of my laundry and some other items from my room are in a common area because I thought I had another 5days to unfuck my room.

I got the hollow “it’s ok”, “don’t stress”, and the “jokes” of well they’re not going to clean those things up since they’re still on vacation. Even though I never implied they would. Just informing them of the state of the house because I thought I had more time. We’ll see how many days they’re actually “forgiving”.

Session with Teapot today was good, but not what I wanted to focus on. My brain wouldn’t let me and Teapot validated that it was ok to let my brain reroute. We’ll try to start next session focusing on that trauma. I did decompress about the last week, which was also apparently needed.

We did end the session touching on the original topic and even in 5mins of talking about it, I was instantly activated and in tears. Not looking forward to digging deeper, but it needs to be done.

Lil bro came over to start prepping his room for the move back in. He also, without much thought or warning, just started unloading all of his feelings about it on me. I know he needed a place to talk, and I should have been more firm about not being in a space for it today. It messed me up a bit more than I had wanted considering how I have already been feeling since Monday and the added stress of my parents returning home earlier.

I did help him escape before they arrived. So guess I get to be a good sister still.

He said some things, that should not be a surprise to me, but they still hurt. That’s going to be its own post. Maybe tomorrow. When I can think of a clever title.

I started to get a migraine and walk the edges of a panic attack the closer it got to my parents getting home. I’m starting to figure out how many of my things I can sell or get rid of to keep trying to nudge myself out of here quicker. Obviously, nothing on an instinctual level feels safe here. Otherwise I wouldn’t be crying just at the thought of them coming home.

They did respect a boundary. They did pick up dinner when I requested it too. Most of the time they were up, they talked about the trip and were pleasant enough.

Mom actually thanked me for taking care of the cat and plants. It feels hollow given the earlier conversation with my brother. She did technically ask how I was doing, but didn’t circle back to it once we were talking about the plants and the dogs. I left it alone. I don’t even trust her with the basic knowledge about my daily health anymore. Maybe because I know the question isn’t from a place of concern or care.

Managed to get the dishes put away. Will try to get the next batch cleaned tomorrow. Still need to finish folding all my laundry, and trying to figure out how to put my room back together so I can feel more calm at least in one tiny space of this house.

Time to go feel some feelings. Which of course means crying. Then I’ll start the newest smut book Sprinkles has suggested.

Lots of thoughts

Because when do I not have a lot of thoughts?

Today didn’t go as planned but also did. I had asked Pisces to brunch to help manage my own feelings with a miscommunication about time this weekend. They usually flake on me, but I was hoping they finally prove me wrong.

They did not.

Sometimes the patterns in people do not actually lie. There’s no amount of hope to change that.

I took my time checking out from the hotel. Reaching out to other friends for some advice on how to communicate some needs. Then spending a bit writing and rewriting that message until I was just feeling wrung out and was like fuck it, this is good as I can do with my pain levels and emotional state.

I feel like it was productive. Hoping it was productive.

Then over to Wonder Woman and family. She made me happy cry a couple of days ago. When I asked what time was good she very earnest said any time I ever wanted to be there was ok because I was family. Chosen family is important.

Started out playing games tangent with the kidlets. They are their tablets, me on my steam deck. All sitting at the island as WW baker and meal prepped for the week.

I took a class on non escalator relationships which may or may not get its own post. Haven’t decided yet.

Then we sat down and looked at my finances and started figuring out a plan for 2023. It’s going to mean getting way more aware to get where I want to by summer, but she helped make everything seem way less overwhelming. I kept joking it’d be so much easier if I could just sell feet pics or something but my chronic illnesses make that too hard to do because sex work is real work and I do not have the ability to be all the things those individuals have to be, artist, manager, marketer, etc etc. I also joked about it’s too bad that I’m no good as a sugar baby. Just more hard work and missing out on experiences for this spite sprite.

I know it’ll be worth it someday. It’s just not feeling like it right now. Maybe I’ll get a real vacation in 2024.

They swapped out, she took over the kids, and I got some time to catch up with her hubby.

I have known her husband (which I can’t remember if I gave a nom de blog, should really make a cheat sheet for my sparkle brain) since I was 18. We’re just a couple years away from a 20yr friendship. Which is wild to me. No one has ever stayed in my life this long. I met Wonder Woman a year a two later when they started dating. We’ve all been metamours, and always friends.

There was a brief 2 yrs where I didn’t really get to see them while I was being isolated by Ass Sombrero. I missed their wedding. Sometimes it still makes me a little sad. We’ve talked that out a long time ago though and WW even apologized that she hadn’t tried to reach out.

But we came back together. The three of us have actually been talking a lot tonight about my various relationships and the abuse and how we’ve somehow endured where so many other connections broke and disappeared.

Heathcliff naturally came up and we got on the topic of that’s how he proved he “wasn’t like the others” and “he wasn’t my ex”. He picked a few keys things, the few right things to be really supportive about and even super encouraging. The main thing was reconnection with WW and spouse.

Oh man that had me hook line and sinker.

And then later also being super supportive of poly and new partners, and my other lifestyles. You know, until he wasn’t. But he played the long con to prove he was different. To learn how to manipulate me best.

Sharp left.

Man, I am fucking loved. It’s people like them and fairy gay mother and Sprinkles. The ones that constantly accept and love every evolving version of me as I figure life out. My constant cheerleaders. Always telling me how amazing I am. Actions showing that they hear and see me.

The AuDHD has been a recent journey. WW and I have talked a bit about it and I have mentioned some sensory needs. I asked about staying the night here because of appts with specialists tomorrow, and she fucking made sure I had a weighted blanket. I didn’t even ask (I brought my own actually because of the time with Rochester).

It’s things like that, that make me feel so loved and cared for. She. Just. Paid. Attention. She took initiative to make things easier for me without putting any of the burden on me to ask. She’s started doing research so she can make things feel safer for me when I am over.

Also when we were talking about all of the trauma, at one point both of them stopped me from talking to have me check in. “Are you doing ok? Is this topic still safe?” They let me sit there for a moment, because I initially said very quickly I wasn’t activated. But then I stopped. They asked for a reason. I must have shifted somehow. I said I didn’t think I was dissociating. Sat quiet for another minute, connecting with my body. They both still waited until I confirmed I was ok and just tired. But then they still moved the topic to something we could laugh about instead.

I got hugs before bed too.

I really needed those tonight.

Hopefully the rain keeps the bad thoughts away as I go to sleep.

Reflecting Not Revising

It was bound to happen at some point. I hit a state of extreme exhaustion and overwhelm. And while I was trying really hard to communicate it, there were words I fumbled on choosing, and there were phrases they used that were not careful enough for where I was emotionally, and it imploded.

There is no real way to prepare someone for what happens in autistic overwhelm.

I’m trying to move away from the word meltdown, because it’s infantilizing. I’m not “throwing a tantrum” because I’m not getting what I want. I’m breaking under pressure and expectations and lack of resources. I’m exhausted and my nervous system is shot.

Circling back, in fact, I’m never actually prepared and it’s happening in my body/head which is a whole other layer that adds to things that I have never been able to fully explain to someone yet. There is o I’ll an outer body experience almost, where I can see what’s happening and I literally can’t stop it. I’m screaming inside my head that I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be lashing out, I don’t want to be that person. Because that’s what it feels like at times. It feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

That usually I am me. That me can be calm, and loving, and understanding. That me can have very intense and emotional conversations, and still fully function.

Then there’s other me. Who is so hurt and scared and confused that everything comes out as aggression and anger. The world is too loud, the lights are too bright, everything touching my skin is too much. Everything it too much. They can’t form any words and when they do, they’re cutting, because it’s the only way they can speak in that moment. Because they just want it to stop. They just want to breathe and they can’t. They just need everything to be quiet for just a moment, but that electricity is so damn loud! Even when they’re trying to say they need a break so they can be gentler, it comes out hurtful.

But they’re still both me, and they still both see and hear what’s happening when things snap. It’s not like DID where someone is fronting. And there is not any real control over when the overwhelm is going to hit. If I can catch the rumblings, I can apply some coping techniques to try and regulate my system before the snap. But sometimes I don’t even realize how close it is to the surface until that one thing goes wrong. The wrong sentence, the pencil breaking, or my seatbelt getting locked as I try to put it on.

Then I become the other me, and when she has let everything out, and I go back to baseline I am filled with the next overwhelming bits of emotion of shame and guilt that I couldn’t be in control. That I couldn’t pull myself back. That I hurt people. That I am a burden. That all the hard work I put in during every other moment of my life won’t matter, because I couldn’t constantly keep it together.

In this particular situation there were a lot of really big things on my plate and a bunch of really big triggers that happened pretty much one after another and within only a few days. I really did try to communicate about it. I really did try to explain what could potentially set this off. But I think the gravity of how different it is, is hard to really get through to someone who doesn’t experience. The fact that I don’t have the best answers of how to help me can seem like I don’t actually need or want help maybe. I don’t know how to express to others that when I’m on the edge like that, how easy I can fall. How terrifying it is for me to experience, how I’m doing my best to not get there but also fucking panicking and that ultimately if I’m asking for something or pointing out that something could push me, it’s really really important. Even if it might not seem like it. That if you ask how can you help and I say I don’t know, that that means I need more help in figuring that out.

I was trying to compare, hey you were being really vulnerable with me and expressing you needed support, and I was happy to do that. Right now I’m being really vulnerable, and I am needing support, and I really need you right now because I’m scared and I don’t want to snap. I don’t want to potentially damage anything or anyone. I don’t want to get to that place and I need this to help for me not get there, but I don’t know what that help looks like other than needing your time right now. But it came out wrong. My impact did not align with my intent.

I’m not taking full responsibility, we share that in what happened. And we talked about it for a few hours once I had been able to separate myself enough to start being able to calm my system down. Still riding the edge of overwhelm and exhaustion, but at least enough to be verbal about emotions.

There was a piece in one conversation that keeps rattling around in my brain, and I know that I’m not remembering it verbatim, and may even be misremembering or perhaps misunderstanding.

For me, it is really important at this point in my life, that my romantic partner can provide some form of reciprocity. I don’t expect people to be exactly at my level, or an exact and even exchange of all things. But I do need someone who is capable of being there for me when I need to put things down. I need to not be the one who is making the majority of effort. I need to not be a caretaker 75-90% of our relationship. I need someone who can share a life with me. I need someone who adds to my experience and joy. A full life. Both as separate people and together.

Like it would be nice if they did more romantic gestures for me that might be similar to the kinds of things I do. But I also understand that we all express those things differently. I have preference if we were on a similar level sexually, but if we’re not, then we’d need to find someway to meet those needs (though also I think it is totally healthy to be honest if that is not going to work, and kinder to not be in that type of relationship instead of feeling frustration and everyone developing some level of resentment or hurt). I need someone with more interests in common than not. We should totally have our own things and friends, but if we fundamentally do not align and don’t have a bunch of things we could share/have connection on, that won’t feel great to me. If we can’t sometimes be around and socialize with each others friends and partners, thats an issue for me. Been there, done that. I need someone on a similar social energy setting to me. I do not do well in relationships with people who are extroverted, and that’s fine. I am not capable of constantly going out and being around people and socializing. I like doing those things sometimes, and it’s good for me when I can, but I feel the best at home. I need time to be by myself. I like being cozy and spending my time with my partner in quieter places or doing our shared interests. I like do things with smaller groups of friends over big events. If I do a big event, I need time to recover. Most extroverts don’t do well with me either. And that’s also fine. I can’t be in a relationship where that is going to keep coming up as a strain on me, them, and my other relationships. I need my energy balanced over all those things. I need someone that understands that the party I committed to a few weeks ago, is not going to be able to happen now and it not be a problem when I say I need to take care of myself.

And I don’t see any problem with deciding I need to walk away from a relationship because more things are unaligned than aligned. I should never feel like I’m constantly sacrificing or settling ever again. Compromising is different, that’s an open and consensual exchange that has been talked about and agreed on.

I’m feeling like I have written or touched on this subject already….but sparkle brain is sparkling like it’s in midday Sun right now. Hopefully this isn’t getting annoying if I’m repeating myself.

It came up that there are some people that just do not have the capacity. To be a partner that can take full and equal turns. Which I understand. I am not judging that. That’s not the kind of relationship I want or need. I also didn’t know how to communicate there is a balance in there somewhere. You can have a partner that has a different capacity or ability or limitation, but still be everything I described above.

Fairy gay mother and Pirate Queen are a sparkling fucking example of this. Pirate Queen is less mobile, so there are things that simply fall to Fairy gay mother, but they have open communication about those needs regularly. At least from what I can see on the outside. Obvi not completely aware of anyone’s inner workings of a relationship. But there are things that Pirate Queen fairly takes care of. And even things that are usually a Fairy gay mother task, she will do from time to time because it is needed to help her wife. Fairy gay mother is less of a cook, while Pirate Queen is fantastic in the kitchen. Can attest, have had noms several times. So cooking usually falls to her, and Fairy gay mother does the prep or clean up.

If Pirate Queen is getting overwhelmed, she can ask for help and knows she will get it. Even if they have to talk about when that can occur. Because reality based decision making. Sometimes Fairy gay mother can’t stop right then, or something else needs completion first. The important part is, they’re a team. They respect each others limitations and boundaries, but it’s still fair distribution according to their capacity and abilities. And they will also still help each other on things that they normally do not own when they see the other needs that extra help. Or just to be fucking kind on a Tuesday. Because who doesn’t want to help make the life of someone you love, a little easier?

This is what I mean. This is what I want and need. This type of partnership.

I say this because I think there is a huge difference in having empathy and understanding that certain things are going to be more difficult for your partner, and your partner not being fully committed to a fair and healthy relationship.

I’m probably still not expressing this how I’m wanting to. I’m so tired. My body can’t stop crying and often it’s just happening, no particular trigger. Just driving and BOOM tears. Laughing at something BOOM tears.

What I’m saying is those are my standards for a relationship. It doesn’t need to be split perfectly equal. It doesn’t need to be “I covered dinner last night, you have to do it tonight”. It’s not keeping a tally and a score. It’s being fucking present in your relationship and they’re present to the point where you’re not feeling under appreciated and used. It’s not being only one person that takes on everything, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, that partner will do something in return, or will maybe say thank you.

I should know it. I should know they appreciate because they tell me and show me on a regular basis. They should know it. Because I am showing them and telling them on a regular basis. We should be working together while being respectful of each others limitations. We should WANT to be showing up for each other and not just when someone gets to a breaking point.

It should also not be using poly/ENM when you’re actually not happy in a relationship and don’t want to face that.

I have been guilty of that in my past. It’s easier to make excuses for someone or say “well that’s ok, someone isn’t meant to meet every single one of my needs” which is true, but like…there’s still a difference there that I can’t quite verbalize.

I was extremely unhappy in my relationship with Heathcliff (which duh it was emotionally abusive), but had a sense of obligation and with the things he claimed (because we now know he was a liar) were just part of him, it had seemed wrong to me at the time to say the relationship wouldn’t work then. He was questioning if he was asexual, and I knew sex was important to me even if I was demisexual. He wasn’t kinky, and I was, and there was specific types of play that I needed to feel whole and like myself. So I turned to poly/ENM, to get the needs he “wasn’t” capable of meeting and to not try and force certain connections between us that just weren’t going to be there. I could get my needs met, but without ending that relationship.

That was fucking unfair to me and everyone I dated while with him. It didn’t fix or make anything better and actually put more strain on my other relationships because when he saw me having a healthier or different connection with someone else, he felt threatened and because he was losing control over me and would assert things he needed to get me back to where he could have more control again. Which I would meet, but it was never reciprocated when I said I had a need. Even if the situations were very very similar. Like he “couldn’t” have sex with me because he was asexual, but did just fine with other people. This is absolutely not to say that I think anyone is owed sex or should engage in it if they do not want to. It’s just one of the main things he used to manipulate me so I used it as the example.

I shouldn’t feel shame or guilt with saying the relationship isn’t working for me. I shouldn’t have to sit there and say, “well they don’t have the capacity and I just need to accept that everything is on me”. It’s ok for me to say that, even if I care for, love, and understand that is the reality for them, that it isn’t right and healthy for me. Because I need a partner who, even if there’s things they can’t do for whatever reason, they are still showing up for me and our relationship in any other way they can.

If there’s more things they can’t do, than they can do….idk that’s being a provider, not a partner. That is someone who wants and needs to be dependent. On some level I feel like that is still a conscious choice to not try to hear your partner and meet what needs you can. Especially in situations where they appear capable of doing a lot outside of that relationship, for themselves and others.

I understand that there’s physical things I just can’t or shouldn’t do. But I will do other things to help make things easier where I can. Or if I have a day that’s lower level on the pain, I will do more of the physical things without harming myself. Because even if I only have the capacity to do the dishes once a month. That’s once a month I can give my partner a break from something they usually have to own because my body can’t do it.

I highly doubt any of this is making sense anymore if it even did when I started writing it.