Teapot On Trauma

Lately I’m having to remember a conversation Teapot and I had a while back.

It is clear I have varied and complex trauma. I’m probably just stacks of trauma wrapped in a trench coat.

Since a significant portion of my trauma is based in emotional abuse (gaslighting, darvo, manipulation, etc) and also trauma based around undiagnosed AuDHD. When I start to have a bad feeling, I have the bad habit of gaslighting myself. Sometimes it’s in the form of saying, “hey that’s probably just trauma talking and this thing isn’t real”.

I’ve noticed that other people also say that to me and reinforce the idea that my past trauma is making me see people for being worse than they are or marking intentions as being something they’re not.

Sometimes, people are actually not great people. Or have bad intentions. Just because I can see it, and someone else can’t, doesn’t mean I’m the one who is always seeing something not there. Sometimes it’s someone not wanting to see something that is there.

I got so in my head about this concept, I did a check in with Teapot. A paraphrased Teapot response:

Sometimes when our trauma sees things that are similar to something that harmed us in the past, it gives us a warning. Sometimes, that warning is just a warning. Making sure you’re paying attention to a potential threat.

Other times, the trauma is right and you are experiencing another trauma that is mirroring something your brain recognizes.

Acknowledge what your trauma is telling you. Keep an eye on what’s going on. See what develops.

Teapot (ish)

There have been more things in the last couple weeks that are very close to previous traumas. There are patterns of behavior that I recognize from multiple instances. I also experienced again, an opinion that my trauma makes me pessimistic and that I will over analyze people in a negative light.

And if that was completely true, I would never give anyone a chance. Ever.

Fairy Gay mother is of the opinion I still give too many chances. She is correct, of course.

And right now I’m struggling with the fact that people are so dismissive of what my trauma is saying. That trauma is an expert at this point on what it looks like when someone is being deceitful. Can it always pinpoint what kind of deceit? No. But it knows something is wrong and not on the up and up.

Constantly being told I’m negative and pessimistic makes me want to stop trying. It’s not paying attention to the whole being I am. If I was only negative and pessimistic and wanted to only believe the worst in people, man I would get hurt a lot less.

But that’s not who I am.

I am hopeful and kind to a mother fucking fault.

Until someone wrongs me in a way I can’t overlook or harms someone I love. Then they are dead to me. I will still be civil if interactions are required because of friend groups etc, but at that point, no, they don’t deserve to be treated better than they treat me. You get surface level.

And surface level from a person like me is going to feel really different.

Because when I first have hope, I’m very open and caring. When I care about you, I will go above and beyond. When I love you…well people I love could probably describe that better. If they actually see and know me. So there’s a few.

I’ve been watching myself fade away. The burn out hasn’t had any relief. The medical stuff continues to chip away at me. The job stuff is fine, but I could be doing better. The relationship stuff is taking its toll. We don’t even need to mention my living situation.

Until this point I haven’t talked much about my metamour or my relationship configuration outside of mentioning Rochester in a few points. For awhile I was doing that from a place of fear.

I didn’t know that’s what it was until some self reflection last night.

I was afraid of writing in my blog, because talking about what had/was happening to me during V1, for whatever reason, ended up being the catalyst for my relationship ending.

Even though I don’t use real names here, I was still afraid that if I started talking and processing my difficulties with V2 on my blog, and if I was mentioning my metamour, that would result in the end of the relationship again. I’ve never even spent time on thinking of a nom de blog for them.

I think a part of me had also hoped that if I didn’t use this space to work through my thoughts about them and things that were occurring, it would allow for something more positive to grow there. Keeping it out of this tiny spotlight wouldn’t “jinx” it or something.

But that’s not how things work.

I don’t know if I will actually start to use this space or not. I have been so shutdown and burned out this year, I have barely touch my blog at all. Which I don’t think is good for me.

There’s a lot of things I have stopped doing.

I’m trying to find my way back, but that’s hard to do with everything. I’m not one of the people who gets to put things down or have more support that can step in.

It’s just me.

I have my support network I can talk to. And that do what they can when they can. I love them dearly for it. It’s also ok for me to admit it’s not enough to help me put anything down. It’s not enough that the burn out is getting better.

Teapot and I were supposed to start working on things I can do to recover from burn out while still in burn out and not being able to stop doing anything. That’s been waylaid for the last 3-4 sessions due to the meta issues of late. Last session I got a little upset by it. I was tired of focusing on it in therapy.

Teapot said it’s because there’s still an expectation for me to manage other people and their feelings. That it’s becoming similar to what I deal with in my family.

No one will admit that they want me to manage everything, but if I try to stop, then I’m being told all these negative things about me and how much I’ve never done etc.

I think it’s ultimately because people like to blame me. Instead of facing themselves. It’s easier.

Also really tired of people projecting their shit on me. That there’s an expectation that someone can say whatever they want to me, and I will remain calm and level headed and placate. But the moment I have an outward reaction to anything than that’s “proof” for them to use.

Anyway. Today was supposed to be chores. I’ve managed washing a load of laundry yesterday (still in the dryer), and convinced myself to shower this morning.

Still going to try and get something more done today around a virtual date with Rochester. But if I don’t manage to do anything, that’s fine too. Maybe I can manage it tomorrow.