Not Doing Well

I can tell I’m not doing well tonight since I just caught myself spiraling in some bad trauma habits.

Today (Tuesday) was a very rough day. It was rough enough that I actually gave into needing support and asked my cousin at the last minute to go with me.

I realized I was holding out hope for something that wasn’t going to happen. I am lucky that my cousin had offered to go with me as soon as she knew about the biopsy. She left it up to me if I wanted her there or to go alone and kept reminding me she was there and that I could let her know even up to Monday night. Which it was Monday afternoon, but still.

Anyway, went in for a biopsy. Like one does I guess. And my cousin was pretty much the only person who provided me support and took care of me all day.

Pisces did remember that the procedure was today and checked in on me. We lamented over the fact that I cannot tub for the foreseeable future.

Update Rochester, Fairy Gay Mother, and Sprinkles. Sprinkles and I talked for a bit about what they did and how I was feeling.

I’ll have answers hopefully by the end of the week.

I’m not in a good place though. Not about the biopsy. It’s going to be whatever. No control over that. I did at least finally get grippy socks. I am both excited and sad that they’re fancy ones though.

I’m sad and in a bad place over things I’m starting to question. My cousin and I had a bunch of time today, which was great. Over brunch, she was a bit upset on my behalf that Rochester had not remembered that I was going through that today. It led to a lot of questions and conversations about our relationship.

It doesn’t help that my system was put through a fairly big trauma today, and I apparently disconnected from my body so hard, that when we did get back to my parents house, I nose dived to subterranean levels. I basically crumpled on the couch, locked in crippling states of nausea and nerve pain on top of the uncomfortable sensations from the biopsy. But my cousin stayed long enough to work on my shoulders for at least 30mins, though likely longer. She got me rootbeer for my stomach and made me my plate of food, and made sure I did my ice and meds. Had alarms set for all the additional times I would need them later.

Eventually she did have to head home. And I realized at that point the majority, if not all of the support and care for me today had walked out the door.

I kept having to go and ask my parents to get my ice pack, since I had to do it every hour for 10mins and my restrictions mean I can’t get into our freezer drawer. I had to keep asking for someone to pick up the elder dog.

I’m not having much hope for the surgery at the end of this month. My cousin has offered to bring me to her parents place, but that doesn’t feel comfortable any more than being at my parents place. For reasons I don’t feel like getting into at the moment.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy, but I did eventually lose track of it until I realized I was one foot in the unhealthy things. But I realized. And here I am processing and being accountable.

I know I don’t have unrealistic expectations. I cried a few times today. I’ll cry at least once more. Release is better.

I’m feeling terrible enough that I have called off work for the morning. I’ll likely update that I won’t be in all day. That is a sign of growth and healing, but should also be a sign to anyone who claims to know me even in fraction, of how bad off I am really doing mentally and physically.

At least there’s therapy.

Teapot and I are going to have to focus on this burnout, and figuring out where my edges are on a few topics. Not looking forward to it, but it’s work that needs to be done. I’m not going back to the version of me that didn’t know her worth. I’m not going back to being the person that puts in 150% into others while they give 20% back. I don’t care who it is.

If they value me, I should never have to question it. I should never have to ask myself if I can actually rely on them.

Some part of me feels like I should end this post on a softer note, but I am exhausted and those words are elusive.